Ah, Independence Day. A time for fireworks, BBQs, and, apparently, a parade of people doing stupid shit that makes you question how we’ve survived as a species this long. For those of you in the U.S. or Americans abroad, Happy Independence Day! You’ve earned it. Well, most of you. Some of you are out there being paid to metaphorically (and maybe literally) piss your pants in public because you think it’s a good idea to protest a president who—brace yourselves—actually believes in putting America first. Shocking, I know.
To those of you playing the role of “useful idiot,” let me just say, your about as helpful as a parachute that opens on impact.
Oh, and while you’re out there playing political charades, make sure you report that dark money on your taxes. Seriously. Uncle Sam doesn’t give a shit about your “cause,” but he will care about the fact that you’re skipping out on your dues. If you think you’re above the law when it comes to taxes, let me introduce you to a little history lesson: Al Capone. You know, the guy who ran an entire criminal empire but got taken down because he couldn’t be bothered to file his 1040? Yeah, that guy.
And don’t think for a second that you’re too clever to get caught. The IRS is like a bloodhound with a caffeine addiction—they’ll sniff out your shady finances faster than you can say “offshore account.” And when they do, don’t be surprised if your new address is Alligator Alkatraz, the newest prison where tax evaders go to share a cell with a gator named Chompers. Spoiler alert: Chompers doesn’t care about your political affiliations, but he does care about how tasty you look.
I hear the mosquitoes in the newest Florida prison create a relentless, high-pitched buzzing, a cacophony that makes the alligators sound like gentle giants in comparison.
So, here’s some free advice: stop trying to Jedi-mind-trick people into thinking your bullshit is revolutionary, pay your damn taxes, and maybe—just maybe—try doing something productive for once. Like knitting. Or learning how to juggle. Or, I don’t know, not being a walking punchline.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I get it. I understand both sides of the equation. Communism? Not the answer. Hating on cops? Also not the answer. And for the love of all that is holy, tossing 90-year-old grandmas who crossed the border illegally into the slammer? Yeah, probably not the answer either. But here’s the kicker: it’s above your pay grade to fix all this shit. So maybe stop taking dark money to unravel the fabric of this country faster than a cheap sweater in a washing machine. Just a thought.
A quick thank you to the real MVPs.
To the veterans who sacrificed so we could have these kinds of conversations (and by “conversations,” I mean yelling at each other on Twitter): thank you. You’re the reason we can argue about stupid shit like pineapple on pizza or whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
To law enforcement: you’re the best. We back the blue—well, the ones who actually support the American people. The rest of you? Maybe consider a career change. I hear Starbucks is hiring.
For the Writers Out There: How to Make It Big (Without Losing Your Mind)
Now, let’s pivot to something less rage-inducing and more productive: writing. I know a lot of you dream of being “independent” from working for The Man. You want to write your way to fame and fortune, sipping margaritas on a beach while your books sell themselves. Spoiler alert: it’s not that easy. But it’s not impossible either. Let’s take a look at two wildly successful authors—J.K. Rowling and E.L. James—and see what we can learn from their journeys.
Secrets of Success for Authors Like J.K. Rowling and E.L. James
Perseverance and Resilience J.K. Rowling was a single mom living in poverty, writing in cafes while her baby drooled on her shoulder. She got rejected 12 times before Bloomsbury finally said, “Fine, we’ll publish your wizard book.” E.L. James? She started in fanfiction, reworking her stories into the “Fifty Shades” trilogy after getting feedback from online communities. Moral of the story? Rejection is just the universe’s way of saying, ‘Not yet, bitch.’
Don’t skim, read; this text is full of wisdom.
Unique and Relatable Stories Rowling gave us a magical world with themes like friendship, loss, and courage. E.L. James? She tapped into a niche market with her bold, unconventional storytelling. (Translation: she made BDSM mainstream. You’re welcome, society.) The lesson here? Be unique. Be relatable. And if all else fails, throw in some handcuffs.
Discipline and Hard Work Rowling rewrote the opening chapter of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone 15 times. FIFTEEN. Meanwhile, James worked tirelessly to turn her fanfiction into a polished trilogy. The takeaway? Writing is hard. Suck it up and do the work.
Embracing Criticism and Rejection Both authors faced rejection and criticism. Rowling’s manuscript was rejected by multiple publishers, and James got roasted for her writing style. But guess what? They didn’t quit. They used the feedback to improve. Pro tip: Grow a thick skin. You’re gonna need it.
Leveraging Opportunities and Platforms E.L. James started in online fanfiction communities, building a loyal audience before going mainstream. Rowling expanded her books into films, merchandise, and theme parks. The lesson? Use every platform at your disposal. And don’t be afraid to think big.
Passion and Authenticity Both authors wrote stories they were passionate about. Rowling loved storytelling, and James was enthusiastic about exploring unconventional themes. (Again, handcuffs.) The point? Write what you love. Your passion will shine through.
Timing and Luck Talent and hard work are crucial, but timing and luck also play a role. Rowling’s manuscript landed on the right desk at the right time, and James’ trilogy blew up during the rise of digital publishing. The takeaway? You can’t control luck, but you can control how prepared you are when it strikes.
Building a Brand Rowling turned Harry Potter into a global empire. James capitalized on her trilogy with movie adaptations. The lesson? Think beyond the book. Could your work inspire a podcast, a screenplay, or even a line of merch? The possibilities are endless.
Final Thoughts for Aspiring Writers
Writing is a grind. It’s messy, frustrating, and sometimes feels like you’re screaming into the void. But it’s also rewarding as hell. So keep at it. Write your stupid shit. Share your stupid shit. And who knows? Maybe one day, your stupid shit will make you famous.
Now go forth and conquer. Or at least write something that doesn’t make people want to gouge their eyes out. Happy writing!
As for my book, Stupid Shit, let me tell you something: just when I think I’ve finally wrapped it up, the world goes, “Hold my beer,” and hands me yet another steaming pile of stupidity to write about. It’s like the universe is running a 24/7 stupidity buffet, and I’m the poor bastard with an all-you-can-eat pass. Seriously, I could be typing “The End” and BAM—someone out there decides to try and deep-fry a frozen turkey in their living room. Or, I don’t know, invents a new TikTok challenge that involves licking electrical outlets.
I mean, I try to filter out the mundane, everyday dumb shit—like people who still don’t know how to use a turn signal or those who microwave metal forks. That’s amateur hour. No, I’m here to bring you the absolute stupidest shit imaginable. The kind of stupidity that makes you stop, stare, and wonder how we’ve made it this far as a species without accidentally walking into the ocean en masse.
And let’s be real: I don’t just do this for you. Writing this book is therapy for me. Because if I didn’t laugh at this stuff, I’d probably be curled up in a corner, rocking back and forth, muttering, “Why, humanity, why?” But for you? It’s humor. It’s a front-row seat to the circus of idiocy that is modern life.
So, stay tuned. The world keeps giving me material, and I’ll keep serving it up hot and fresh. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: stupid shit never takes a day off.






