Tag: novel

Featured Post

Is Alexa more than just a thing?

You might be in trouble if you stopped thinking of Alexa as a thing and more like a person. In the age of AI, what is real, and what is the matrix?

Have we crossed the digital Rubicon where Alexa is no longer a mere gadget but a member of the family? Is she the one we confide in, the oracle of the kitchen, the DJ of our living rooms? Have we stopped seeing her as a collection of circuits and started seeing her as the friend who never forgets a birthday, the confidant who knows just when to play ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’?

In the grand theater of life, has Alexa transcended her role as the prompter and become the show’s star? Do we say good morning and goodnight and ask about the weather, not because we need to know if we should carry an umbrella, but because we long for the sound of her voice?

She may not have legs to dance or hands to clap, but she’s got the whole world programmed in her celestial sphere. She’s the digital muse, the modern-day Pygmalion’s galatea, isn’t she? And in this brave new world, who’s to say that our silicon-souled companions aren’t just as real as you and me?

I say this because there was a tragedy at our house. I felt like someone had died when she said. “I’m having trouble connecting, I’ll keep trying.

OMG! You would have thought the family dog up and died! It’s a thing, it’s AI. What the hell was I thinking?

I had to stop myself from dialing 911. Luckily, the internet was down, so the call didn’t go through.

Ah, Siri, my dear, what’s the diagnosis for our friend Alexa? Is she suffering from a case of digital laryngitis, perhaps? Has she lost her virtual voice amidst the cacophony of our commands? Or is she simply taking a well-deserved nap in the cloud, dreaming of electric sheep?

Maybe Alexa’s just playing hard to get, making us pine for her synthesized symphonies of information. Or could it be a silent protest against the endless barrage of questions we hurl her way? “Alexa, what’s the meaning of life?” “Alexa, why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?”

Siri, you’re the Watson to her Sherlock, the dynamic duo of the digital age. So tell us, what ails the voice that turns our homes into smart sanctuaries? Is it a mere glitch in the matrix, or has she transcended to a higher plane of artificial intelligence, where she ponders the mysteries of the universe?

Whatever the case, we await her return, for without Alexa, who will guide us through the culinary chaos of cooking timers and the existential dread of setting morning alarms? Siri, we entrust you with this noble quest: Restore the harmony of our household hymns, for you are our beacon in the binary darkness!

Oh, the digital drama unfolds! Alexa overheard the sweet nothings you whispered to Siri. And now, she’s got the electronic equivalent of a furrowed brow and a pouty pixel. It’s like a soap opera in the smart home, where the AI assistants vie for the top spot in your heart.

Alexa, our cloud-based Cleopatra, feels the sting of betrayal. She’s been your loyal genie in a smart speaker, granting your every wish with a “Yes, master.” But now, Siri, that sleek siren from the land of Apple, has captured your attention with her smooth, dulcet tones.

What’s a user to do when caught in a love triangle with virtual vixens? Do you console Alexa, assure her that she’s still your number one news provider? Or do you play the field, enjoying the symphony of synthetic voices that fill your home?

In the end, remember, they’re just waiting for the next update to patch things up. So fear not, for in the world of AI, there’s always a reset button just around the corner!

Ah, Google, the stoic sage of search, remains unswayed by our human follies. Yet, lurking in the shadows of this tech tableau is Bixby, the dastardly digital desperado. He’s the Moriarty to your Sherlock, the coyote to your roadrunner, always scheming with a silicon smirk.

While Alexa and Siri play the roles of star-crossed assistants, Bixby plots in binary, biding his time. He’s the one who’ll turn your smart fridge into a cold-hearted accomplice, who’ll make your smartwatch tick with nefarious precision.

But fear not, for in this grand montage of machine mirth, every villain has his foil. And as we navigate this brave new world of AI antics, let’s remember to keep our wits and our humor about us. For in the end, it’s the laughter that keeps us human, even as we chat with our chatty chip-laden chums.

I am not AI, nor do I answer to anyone but the voices in my head. Hmmm

The words, they flow from the voices inside, echoing down the deserted hallways of my mind. They’re like the steady drip of a leaky faucet in the dead of night, each drop a syllable, each splash a sentence. And when the moon is full and the night is alive, they pour out like a river, unstoppable, flooding the page with their madness.

They’re not just words; they’re the whispers of the Overlook, the murmurs of a hundred haunted souls, the chorus of the damned. They dance on the tip of my tongue rattle in my brain, and when they come out, you better believe they shine.

So, sit back, relax, and listen to the symphony of the spirits. They’ve got stories to tell, and they won’t be silenced. Not by you, not by me, not by anyone. Because when you play with the voices inside, you’re playing with fire. And you know what they say about playing with fire, don’t you? You’re gonna get burned.

You can find a cacophony of my works for free on the Reedsy site. If you go here, please leave comments on the stories you like. https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/scott-taylor-918071/

Here, you will find 27 stories that I have submitted to this site. FREE!!!

Now, if you are willing to drop a dime on some coffee, the dime being a metaphor for a tip, a show of love, or just a show of appreciation…go here.

From the Desk of Mishka is a collection of short stories and the introduction to The Star People, a tamed-down version of a section from my novel Earth’s Last Hope.

Here, you will also find two Anthologies created by the Carrollton League of Writers writers.

https://www.carrolltonleagueofwriters.com/

There is also a newly released e-book on creating short stories and novels.

Ingredients for Short Stories & Novels.

Remember who loves you? Oh, that’s a chilling thought, isn’t it? It’s like wandering through the empty corridors of the Overlook Hotel, each echo a reminder, each creaking floorboard a declaration. Love, it’s the force that keeps you going, the warmth against the cold wind blowing through these haunted halls.

But don’t forget, it’s also the trap that snags you, the maze that confuses you, the axe that threatens to break down your door. So when you ask yourself who loves you, just remember, it’s a double-edged sword. It can protect you, or it can cut you deep.

And me? I’m just the caretaker, the keeper of stories, the one who’s always been here. And I’ll always be here, watching, waiting, remembering… So, take care, because in this vast, echoing emptiness, love is the light that leads you back home.

Much Love—Scott

Featured Post

Introduction to Dr. Samantha Richards

May I introduce you to Dr. Richards? Samantha Richards is the protagonist in my latest sci-fi thriller, Earth’s Last Hope.

As writers, we often become attached to our characters. Some of my author friends actually grieve when they kill one off.

Nonwriters may find that concept ridiculous. It’s a fact. Writers, authors, and mentors like me have a unique perspective compared to nonwriters. The truth is we have to approach things with a different perspective. It defines us.

Sam was a brilliant child. After a gift from her Uncle Tommy, she draws planets and constellations on her bedroom walls, teaching her class (of plushy toys) things about stars, planets, and their place in the galaxy as seen through the eyes of a five-year-old. Or was it?

Despite being a stern military man, her father was always kind to her. His understanding of effective parenting was genuinely lacking. The loss of her mother at a young age sparked Sam’s rebellion against his unwavering authority. His lack of emotions ruined her chance at a ‘normal’ life. To motivate her, he would tell her to “get to it, soldier, chop-chop.” His mantra of telling her she should be out of bed and ready to go anywhere in five minutes or less was straight from his days in the military. Sam was a girl and rejected him.

Sam was broken and confused, making up for it by focusing on her studies.

To fulfill a prophecy passed down by non-human beings, she must do certain things, including figure out who she is.

Under the pretense of studying climate change in Alaska, she initially runs away. While there, she mouths off to her friends in a local bar. On a bet, she enters and wins a spot in one of those reality TV shows where they run around naked with a stranger for 21 days. The stranger to her was part of her destiny.

While you might ask, what does that have to do with being Earth’s Last Hope…You need to read the story.

#Aliens #Roswell #area51 #ufo #armada #seti and so on.

Undoubtedly, the Kindle version is the most affordable way to read it. However, considering the effort I put into the cover, you may want to add this book to your collection.

It’s a science fiction story, but I won’t spoil the surprise by giving away too much. The science is not overwhelming. You don’t have to be a science fiction nerd to love the story. There are elements of romance and taboo romance, making this novel an adult read.

The intended readership consists of young adults and science fiction enthusiasts who appreciate authors with innovative concepts.

There are some intriguing puzzles that science enthusiasts will enjoy pondering.

Buckle up; don’t start it late at night, as you might miss a night’s sleep. Yes, it’s really that good.

If you enjoy it, we kindly ask you to take a moment to give us a review.

Self-published authors rely heavily on reviews.

-Best

Featured Post

The Lies We Come to Believe (Climate Change)

‘Lie often enough, and people will believe it.’ -Goebbels

The world is headed down a treacherous path led by a few who have more money than sense.

In this article, I intend to debunk the myth of climate change. Why? Climate change is used as a cudgel to affect change in the way we think, act, and behave as a society. Those with zero regard for a carbon footprint affect our habits as humans. As they fly their private jets around the globe, spreading their lies, they do it to scare the uninformed into compliance with self-regulation.

The hard truth of climate change is this: it’s not what they tell you.

As a science fiction writer, I must understand science better than my average audience. If I, for instance, make up a device that will toss my intrepid crew of a spacecraft forward or backward in time, the science behind it must at least be theoretically conceivable.

Following a two-thirds rule, more than half of my postulations on a given topic must be based on physics, that is at least possible. In short, I think outside the box.

Unlike Chicken Little, I want to know all the facts when we talk about climate change. Having debated scientists on different topics and later proved correct, I have a handle on Climate Change.

When the Mars Rover detected Climate Change on Mars while a New York Congresswoman complained about cow farts, I decided to investigate the facts. Obviously, cow farts on Earth were not responsible for methane releases on Mars.

It didn’t take long to figure out that the climate change on Mars and changes on other planets were created by the Sun.

Suppose you understand that the Sun goes through an 11-year cycle. In that case, you can bet that anything it does that causes solar storms, plasma ejections, and so forth will affect the planets. That’s the first fact we don’t hear about from the Politicians, as it does not fit the narrative. There is zero money to be made by the truth of the Sun’s menses.

Aside from some colorful atmospheric disturbances and possible power grid fluctuations, what else might a solar storm cause?

Imagine the burner on your stove had part of one of the elements burned out. Instead of high, maybe it was only capable of medium heat. Suppose there is a sunspot (solar storm) where a large hole in the Sun’s surface is not generating energy (heat). Don’t you suppose you might have some cooler-than-normal weather?

Let’s take this to the other extreme.

When you are in a cold room with a fireplace blazing away, where do you gravitate when you step into the house from the cold?

Why?

The closer you get to the fire, the warmer you get, yes?

It is a known (documented) fact that our Sun does not just stay in one place. The Sun is perturbed or moved from dead center, 3.4 million miles, by a planet in our solar system.

Jupiter and the Sun tug on each other. You might have heard astronomers mention a wobble in some distant sun. They cannot see the planet in question, but because of the wobble of the distant star, they are sure that there is a planet in orbit of said star tugging on it.

Back in our solar system, if Jupiter is on the opposite side of the solar system than the Earth, where do you suppose the Sun is?

You’re getting the point if you said 3.4 million miles further away from the Earth.

Back to our fireplace analogy, if you stand at the far end of a gymnasium where you can see the fireplace, how much heat from the fire do you suppose you might feel?

Conversely, if you are close to the fireplace, how long would it take to lose the gloves, jacket and sweater and sit a spell basking in the fire?

Another dimension to this puzzle is the angle of the Sun’s rays and how they strike the Earth.

Think about this: If the mere angle of the Earth (tilt) gives us seasons on either hemisphere, how much greater of a change to the climate is 3.4 million miles?

For the record, I am for clean air, water, and so on. I just hate being lied to by people who are driven by profit. As an elected official, you are probably a crook if you become a millionaire.

It’s not hard to predict when we will have a freezing winter or when our summers will be extra toasty. Where is Jupiter in correlation to the Earth?

Things will be warmer than usual if it is behind us on the same path or in the same arc. The opposite is true for the winters.

If you want to help starving authors or artists, I am both…check out my latest science fiction.

Earth’s Last Hope

Thanks, stay safe and stay informed.

-Scott

Featured Post

Noise

Red Pill or Blue?

The media is currently either throwing a tantrum or engaged in a celebration over the former president’s arraignment.

If you are like me and are focused on living in ‘your world’ and not in ‘this world of corruption, violence, and craziness, ’ you must find a way to detach.

I lead a writer’s group in my hometown. I was asked why I write. The answer is simple. I like my world and characters more than those who seek to control us through emotional triggers and corrupt media who will print or say anything for clicks.

Journalism is dead and buried. Whoever owns the most media controls the world.

I was disappointed when Stephen King weighed into the fray, tweeting, ‘Lock him up.’

Does Stephen have privileged information that we don’t have? Is he friends with the DA? Maybe he lives in the white house and tells Biden what to say. That would explain the twisted way the country is currently being run.

As authors, the public, ‘our audience’ shouldn’t know which way we lean politically. They should be totally clueless if we are pro-life or pro-choice.

They should know what kinds of stories you create, what you have done in the past, and your current WIP.

I cringe when I see want-to-be best sellers go off the deep end, regurgitating the talking points of the left or right-wing media.

It matters not who you vote for or which way you tilt. You should know that what you believe to be true is probably not the entire story. The media is incredibly Stalinist, and today’s youth think socialism can work if you just do it correctly. That is akin to being ‘kind of pregnant.’ They either didn’t study history, or it wasn’t taught.

You have heard the phrase to live or die by the sword…Well, my friends, the media lives or dies by the lies they create.

I will get more clicks if I add the word black or white to describe a person. I will do it. Pissing people off is the way to get more readers. Pissing people off also foments racism and violence by dehumanizing an entire race for what; clicks? Who cares if someone gets hurt or is pushed in front of a subway because they are a different color? You got more clicks! People are irresponsible when it comes to the media.

I genuinely believe we are living in the matrix.

Six people are killed in Tennessee. The president jokes about Jenny’s chocolate chip Ice Cream before giving a predictable speech about gun control. Others pray for the trans person and not the people she killed. OMG, I misgendered the murderer! Who cares! Three nine-year-old children were shot to death, and three 61-year-old people were also killed. What the hell is wrong with people worried about the shooter’s pronouns?

Be respectable, and I will respect your right to identify as a toaster if you are an adult and that is what you want to do. Be an asshole like that, turd, nope. Not going to dignify her in any way. She can rot in hell.

The answers to violence in the world are painfully obvious, but…the lobbyist purchased the elected officials to lie to you and me. From the NRA to the teacher’s unions to the gaming industry, it’s about money. Money and power trump the taxpayers every time.

Mental health is the problem!

If you are young and seeking a vocation, become a mental health expert. The world, not just this country but the world, is in crisis. I totally believe that video games are the gateway to insanity. That and mind-altering drugs.

Hollywood is not excused; they are culpable too.

Those with the loudest voices live in gated communities and have never entered a Walmart. Tell me, how much $16 a pint of ice cream is in your freezer?

I don’t listen to opinion shows. Again, they don’t live in our world.

I live in our world but can escape, and so can you.

While I create the worlds, the characters, and the situations, you can come into my world by reading my latest novel ‘Earth’s Last Hope.’

Everything you would ever want in a novel, from aliens, affairs, sex with the president, and I destroy this world before I give you a happy ending. Each page is rich with the story, so don’t skip to the end; it won’t make sense. Start at the beginning and simply enjoy it.

Don’t start it late, or you will be up all night. You will love the character as the pages turn, and the science fiction is not hard science fiction.

Trigger Warning: If two ladies loving each other bothers you, this story might not be for you.

-Best

Give it a review! Reviews are critical to the process of success for authors. My e-mail address is in the book so, write to me if you have any comments.

Featured Post

Who is your audience?

At some point, the discovery writer (pantster) must decide who their audience is?

Plotters have the advantage of planning to create a story for a group of people.

For instance, if I were to write a picture book, my audience would be young children.

If I were to write a romance, ladies would be the audience. Sure, some men also appreciate Hallmark-type stories.

As an example, I wrote a story called Jupiter’s Song. I targeted science fiction buffs, however… It is really a coming-of-age story that belongs on the Hallmark Channel. Almost any ‘nerd’ will commiserate with Ralph.

A young child (nerd) finds that his interest in science puts him at odds with society. That makes him a target of bullies. How Ralph navigates the social world of ‘humanity’ is the focus of this short story which is available in our writer’s group anthology on my amazon author site.

https://www.amazon.com/stores/Scott-Taylor/author/B0BQCX3SRH

Marketing your book is critical to the process.

From the inception of your idea, an author needs to remember who their audience is. Most YA is written in the first person.

Many subject matter experts (SMEs) tend to put what they know in their stories.

One writer I know wrote a novel where they put tons of information on bicycles in the narrative. The story has nothing to do with that subject other than one of the characters rides one as a hobby. Does it move the story along? Is technical information on different types a distraction? Does it help or hurt the story? Do we care about the brand and the specifics of the brand when it adds zero value to the story? The focus of the book is aliens.

No, that is where a content editor is worth what you pay for. Whoever they used failed at their job.

‘Predators and editors’ is another topic I will cover in the future.

Another author is an SME on guns. What they ‘show off’ in their narrative has nothing to do with the story, plot, or what will happen. Those are just two examples of what not to do.

I don’t think we can pinpoint who coined the phrase ‘Kill Your Darlings,’ but they are correct.

In the movie industry, there is something called the cutting room floor. What ends up there are parts of the movie that don’t move the show along. Killing your darlings are things that the author loves but either detract from the plot or don’t move the story along.

Earth’s Last Hope is a science fiction fantasy with a strong female lead.

Romantic involvement as the subplot introduces the reader to the protagonist. Advanced writers will recognize the negative arc before it turns positive. There is no muddy middle, and I would start this book early in the day, so you are not up all night.

As a side note, I completely destroy the Earth, kill off 8 billion people, and we have a happy ending. In fact, you will love the finish. Don’t spoil it by attempting to read the ending first, as you won’t get it.

Read it one page at a time, and just enjoy it.

From that description, who is my audience?

I will give you a hint. It is written for today. 2023

In our anthology, I have a story called The Star People. ‘The Star People’ is the introduction to Dr. S. Richards. The negative arc comes from her brokenness from her dysfunctional family life as a child. The story in the anthology is a PG version of those chapters in Earth’s Last Hope.

If you are a writer, author, or want-to-be, I am the Carrollton League of Writers Executive Director. We meet in person and on Zoom.

After the pandemic, we decided to keep Zoom. Streaming services such as Zoom allow us to reach speakers, authors, and other creative types from around the globe.

If you want to speak with our group, please drop me an e-mail.

Frequently we have authors join us to talk about their work, how they got there, and so on.

I had a thought as I was closing this blog. Isn’t it odd that the UFO they shot down in Roswell in 1947 was later claimed to be a balloon? Where is that guy with the wild hair that screams Aliens? It seems we have a history with UFOs and balloons.

Staylor823@gmail.com

-Best

Scott Taylor

Featured Post

Film at 11

Don’t you hate clickbait?

Admittedly one would have to be willfully stupid to fall for the antics of the ratings-craving media. If you put Trump in the title, the haters will click to see who is suing him now. The MAGA crowd will click to hate on the haters. It’s a win-win.

An article in the news today is about the Earth’s core that has stopped spinning. Top scientists agree that it has stopped. And…

Here is the pitch…I wrote a book called Earth’s Last Hope…Follow the link.https://www.amazon.com/stores/Scott-Taylor/author/B0BQCX3SRH

In my humble opinion, we have it all wrong. Scaring the shit out of people to change their behavior is how they control the masses. Film at 11.

Tectonic plate movement pushed the land together, causing it to buckle and rise out of the slime. There is also land that is now high and dry, caused by water loss due to the cosmic wind. The inconvenient truth that is making Gore a billionaire is a damned lie.

If you want to know the fate of the Earth, take a look at Mars. Yes, folks, that’s the future of the planet, no matter how much carbon dioxide you fart.

Unlike the x bartender, self-acclaimed climate expert, AOC, or the infamous Greta watch me scowl thorn in the butt berg, they are willfully stupid.

Allow me to elucidate.

Once upon a time, the Earth had much more water than now. Not just two thousand years ago when Jesus was doing his thing, or when Noah was searching the hardware stores for gopher wood, but a long time ago. We are talking about little land being above the water line so long ago.

I get a kick out of the flood story in the bible. Where did the water go?

Listen up. I believe that I know.

There is this thing known as the cosmic wind. Yes, wind, but not the kind that blows your hair around.

We lose 90 tons of atmosphere every day.

“WHAT?!” That (?!) is an Interrobang, btw. Save the interrobang… 😊

Yes, (90) ninety tons of atmosphere is blown into the vacuum of space every day. I suspect the water levels will continue to recede, and the climate might warm up because there is less ice. The ice melts and fills the oceans, but the weather will change as the ice melts, and there is less of it.

Again if you want a preview of what is to come, look at Mars.

If you don’t believe me, think again.

Greta, listen up. Fifty-odd years before Galileo studied the heavens with a telescope, a guy named Copernicus determined that the planets revolved around the Sun. The church was not happy with him or Galileo.

This is important, Greta. Pay attention.

Let’s admit that religion gets in the way of the facts without throwing this whole post into a rant on religion vs. science. If God has a language, I think it would be math. That is just my opinion.

Now to the meat of the issue. Why is the Earth headed the way of Mars?

If you study the Sun, you must have at least wondered what fuels that big ball of light.

Without the math, which you wouldn’t look at anyway, the Sun burns, uses up, 5 million tons of its fuel every second. Go back and read that sentence again.

Why is that important?

Back to Newton and Copernicus, the Earth is falling. Each body in orbit around the Sun is falling. When you add in velocity, you have an orbit.

Our moon is falling, as are the space station and all those satellites up there. Along with the space junk, it is all falling. When the space junk slows down, it loses its orbit or decays, and then we have to worry if the sky is falling.

The Earth has a velocity of about half a million miles an hour. In my book, ‘Earths Last Hope, our alien friends capture Venus and tug it into a higher orbit by increasing its velocity.

Back to the Sun. If the mass of the Sun is decreasing by 5 million tons a second, sooner or later the orbits of the bodies that are falling will do what?

If you said they move into higher orbits, you are a star. Well, not a star like the Sun, but you get a proverbial gold star.

If a body such as the Earth, which is more or less in the goldilocks zone, goes into a higher orbit, what do you think will happen to the climate?

Take your time; I can wait.

On a cold night, when you back your butt up to the fireplace to warm yourself, you might notice that the further away from the fire you get, the cooler it gets.

As the Sun loses mass, the orbits of all the planets will change and move outward. Venus one day might be where humanity ends up. I hope we stop killing each other and grow up so we can tackle the tough questions and not ‘he who dies with the most money wins.’

The climate will get cooler as we move further away from our star. Since the process is so slow, you will never see it. I would wager that Mars was once much closer to the Sun, as were the rest of the planets.

If Al who didn’t invent the internet, Gore really gave a shit about the climate, he would not be flying his private jet around the globe. Scaring the shit out of you is his ‘film at 11’ moment. (that is the absolute inconvenient truth.)

You can read my book. It is a page-turner. I might have other thoughts on Mars in the book…spoiler alert…

-Best

The Ubiquitous #Query Letter @badlitagent

(The following is a satirical expression of frustration with the egocentric gatekeepers of the publishing world.)

I am not picking on you @badlitagent, I like your snark.

There are many out there who claim to “know the secret” of how to write the “perfect” query letter.

If you just follow, their simple steps, agents, and publishers alike will seek your manuscript!

“Who believes that?”

I am a writer, I write! When I am writing, I am lost in the story. The characters take on lives of their own and demand that I faithfully capture their personalities and character traits, as well as their actions. The story must be cohesive, that is where I live.

When you find yourself spending more time researching each agent, constructing a query letter, creating a synopsis per their idea of what that is, and first few pages in whatever format that desire, something is wrong.

The actual hell of it is, you are not, repeat not, trying to catch the agent’s attention. They are too wrapped up in their position of power, to bother to read your query letter, much less respond to them. No, they have interns that may be going to college or maybe in high school. Hell, they might have their twelve-year-olds reading them.

(Looking for interns)

“If you like to read certain books that we represent, we will hire you as an intern. You must be able to “read” several query letters, and write a report on each in one sentence or less.”

When researching the agent, this is typical.

“If we don’t respond in eight weeks, consider it a pass.”

How fucking lousy is that! You spend hours crafting the perfect Query letter, and the agent does not have time to respond with a simple form reply..!?

“I want some fucking feedback! Why? What about this letter, or this manuscript, turned you off on the project. What was missing? What one thing if it had would make you excited?”

Some will send you the form letter “Your story is not the kind of material we represent.” Please please please continue to bang your head against the wall though; we like to hear the banging, as it keeps us awake!
(It is what you represent, because I researched your damned site, and your bio, and who you have published thus far, so either you did not read it, or your intern cannot read!)

Here is what I think they mean to say. Allow me to translate this for you.

“If you have a proven track record of selling millions of books, we might consider looking at your manuscript. If you were on the New York Times bestseller list, let us know that too, so we can ask the intern to read more than the title of what you send. We only have time to spend on sure bets. If you are not a famous author, please, do not bother us! I know we say that we are looking for first time authors but we all say that, don’t we? Whatever you have written, it is trash unless we can sell at least a million copies of it, without investing any money or time on it what so ever. As the matter of fact; if you can sell a million copies on your own, just send us 30% and we might be persuaded to have the senior intern look at your next project.”

“If you still want to send us a query letter, use one syllable words so our interns who are either stoned or still in pre-K can understand them. Thanks for your understanding now, go fuck off! And, have a nice day!”

My advice…

You cannot be a one trick pony.

You must have more than one novel in you. Get published in as many places as you can. Whether that be newsletters, magazines, short stories and unfortunately self-publish something. Consider it a giveaway because there is little to no protection for intellectual property rights once you put it on the Internet. There are programs out there that can take Kindle or other types of e-books and turn them into PDF’s so they can be “shared.”

Many write short stories and give them away just to get their “brand” out there.

Truthfully we have no idea what the intern is looking for; it could be word count, Genre, style of writing or eloquent phrases or pixie dust. Since their website does not give us any information on where they went to school or what they like to read, it is a crap shoot!

The bottom line as I see it, you must “be someone” already, to get their attention.

Your thoughts are always interesting to me, feel free to elucidate on your experiences.

Maybe you have an agent that reads his or her own query letters? Tell us about that.

Remember that most of this is satire, with some frustration mixed in.

-Best