Category: LifeStyle

A Thriller Writer’s Forensic Journey

Okay, Candace, pull up a chair and grab a cup of coffee, because this story’s got more twists than one of my thrillers. You’re diving into a rabbit hole that’s either leading to one of the most mind-blowing conspiracy theories of all time, think bigger than the single-bullet theory that still haunts JFK discussions, or, and this is where my money lies, someone’s feeding you breadcrumbs laced with arsenic to throw you off the trail and discredit you. And here’s why I think so.

So, let’s talk about that video. Yeah… I’ve seen it. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t. It sticks in my mind like a bad scene I wrote at 2 a.m. that I can’t unsee. But here’s the thing, no sniper worth their salt would be aiming for Charlie’s neck. That’s just not how these folks operate. Trust me, I write about these guys for a living. What they’re trained to hit is center mass; it’s the most significant, most reliable target. If they’re feeling fancy, or that he might have a bulletproof vest on, maybe they’ll go for a headshot, and when they do, it’s typically between the eyes. Period.

But a neck shot? That screams “accidental” or “inexperienced.” From what I’ve pieced together, the shooter was probably aiming for a headshot, JFK-style. And here’s where it gets even juicier: the perp and their family were hunters. Now, if you know hunters—and I’ve sat around enough campfires to hear these guys talk shop—they don’t usually roll with factory bullets straight off the shelf. No, they’re all about those custom reloads. It’s practically a badge of honor. You know the type: “I calibrated this one myself for the perfect takedown.” So, it’s highly likely the bullets used here were reloads, designed for something very specific.

And here’s where the FBI comes in. They’ve got the bullets, and believe me, they’ve already dissected them like a frog in high school biology. They know if those rounds were reloaded, what kind of powder was used, how much of it, and even the weight of the bullets. They probably even know what the shooter had for breakfast that morning —okay, maybe not —but you get the point.

Now, let’s play detective for a second. If the shooter was using a varmint load meant for small critters like coyotes or prairie dogs, you’ve got a light bullet, say 110 grains, that’s moving fast but drops like a rock. That could explain why the shot didn’t exit Charlie’s body. With a varmint round, you’re looking at 5 to 8 inches of drop, plus a couple more inches of wind drift, depending on the conditions. Makes sense, right?

But if we’re talking standard loads, something heavier, like 150 to 165 grains, the drop would be less, maybe around 4 inches. Which, let’s be real, would make the shooter a lousy shot if they missed their mark that badly. And even then, it doesn’t explain the lack of an exit wound. It’s like trying to solve a puzzle where half the pieces are missing.

Here’s the kicker, though: everything I’m telling you is out there, online, ripe for the picking. It’s like an open buffet for anyone willing to dig deep enough. The FBI has the details—they’re just not sharing them with the rest of us mere mortals. Typical, right?

So, Candace, I hope this adds a little clarity—or at least some food for thought. BTW, I have followed Charlie for several years, and I admired him.

Best,

Scott

@RealCandaceO

Mastering Syllable-to-Word Ratio for Better Writing

Have you ever come across one of those carts parked outside a half-price bookstore, overflowing with books so cheap that even the employees inside wouldn’t bat an eye if you walked off with one? Yeah, those. The literary graveyard of rejected paperbacks and forgotten hardcovers. I’m a sucker for them. I’ll sift through the pile, find something that piques my interest, and then march inside like a responsible adult to actually pay for it.

But here’s the thing: you ever wonder why those books ended up in the discount bin of shame? Nine times out of ten, it’s the writing. Oh boy, the writing. Either it’s drowning in purple prose, or the author decided, “Hey, let’s crank this up to a college-reading level and see how many people’s brains explode.”

Target Audience Problems: A Writer’s Existential Crisis

In creative writing, we’re always told to think about our target audience. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. Here’s where it gets messy. Imagine this: someone brings their masterpiece to a critique group. It’s a highbrow novel meant for intellectual types who sip chai tea and quote obscure philosophers. But the group? They hate it. They can’t explain why, but they just don’t. The writer spirals into a pit of frustration, and the critique group sits there awkwardly like, “Sorry, we don’t know what’s wrong, but it makes our brains hurt.”

Let me save you the trouble. It’s probably the syllable-to-word ratio. Yeah, I know, sounds nerdy, but stay with me.

What the Hell is Syllable-to-Word Ratio?

I’m glad you asked (or at least pretended to). The syllable-to-word ratio is this super-geeky metric that measures the average number of syllables per word in a chunk of text. Why should you care? Because it can make or break how your writing feels to your reader.

Here’s the gist:

Readability:

Low ratio (1.2–1.4): Short words, easy to read. Think, “See Spot run.”

High ratio (1.5–1.8+): Long, complex words that scream, “I have a Thesaurus and I’m not afraid to use it!”

Pacing and Flow:

Lower ratios = faster pace. Great for action scenes or snappy dialogue.

Higher ratios = slower, more reflective. Perfect for moody, poetic, or “I’m trying to win a Pulitzer” moments.

Style and Tone:

Writing a child’s perspective? Keep the words short and sweet.

Got a pretentious professor as your main character? Break out the big words and make them earn that Ph.D.

Let’s Look at Some Examples

Here’s a basic breakdown to show you the difference:

Paragraph 1 (Simple Language):

The cat sat on the mat. It looked at the sun and purred.

Words: 14

Syllables: 16

Ratio: 16 / 14 ≈ 1.14

Paragraph 2 (Complex Language):

The magnificent feline reclined gracefully upon the embroidered carpet, basking serenely in the golden illumination streaming through the window.

Words: 20

Syllables: 38

Ratio: 38 / 20 = 1.9

See the difference? The first paragraph is quick, punchy, and gets straight to the point. The second one? It’s like the writer wanted you to pause dramatically after every word and think about life’s meaning.

Why This Matters in Creative Writing

Knowing your syllable-to-word ratio isn’t just some geeky flex. It’s a tool. A sneaky little trick to control how your readers experience your writing. Here’s how you can use it:

Want to speed things up during an action scene? Keep the sentences short and the words even shorter.

Need to slow things down for an emotional moment? Stretch it out with longer words and more complex sentences.

Writing dialogue? Match the ratio to your character’s personality. A street-smart detective won’t talk like a philosophy professor (unless that’s part of the joke).

Tools to Make Your Life Easier

Let’s be real, no one’s doing this math by hand. Use an online syllable counter or plug your text into something like Hemingway Editor. These tools will tell you if your writing is too complex or if you’re on track for that sweet spot of readability.

Final Thoughts: The Ratio is a Jedi Mind Trick

The syllable-to-word ratio is one of those sneaky things that can make your writing flow better, feel more immersive, and keep readers glued to the page. It’s not about dumbing down your work; it’s about making sure your readers don’t feel like they need a dictionary just to keep up. Trust me, I’ve been there. When I first started writing, I thought flexing my vocabulary was the key to literary greatness. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. People don’t want to stop every other sentence to Google a word. They want to stay in the story.

So, play around with it. Experiment. Try writing the same scene with different ratios and see what feels right. And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t be afraid to use simple words. Sometimes, “The cat sat on the mat” says everything you need it to.

Share the Wisdom, Spread the Love

These writing tips don’t write themselves… Yes, I care about writers, but let’s face it, I am an author and my books need a little marketing. So…

If this was helpful, share it with your writer buddies. One share is like sending a virtual high-five to both me and them. And who doesn’t love a good high-five?

Until next time, happy writing, and remember, fewer syllables can sometimes make for a hell of a better story.

#ContentCreation
#StorytellingTips
#ContentWriters
#WriterGoals
#FictionWriting
#HowToWrite

How to Craft a Compelling Author Bio for Your Book

After spending months or even years pouring your heart into writing a book, it’s natural to ask yourself: What else goes into this book to make it complete? Beyond captivating stories or compelling content, one of the key elements that often gets overlooked is the author bio.

The back-of-book biography is your chance to make a memorable first impression on readers. Keep it short, relevant, and engaging. Focus on what makes you the right person to have written this book, and sprinkle in a touch of personality to make it relatable.

Whether you’re a seasoned author or publishing your first book, your bio is an opportunity to connect with your audience, so make it count!

As our writers group, The Carrollton League of Writers, is working on compiling a book of short stories,

I’ve been thinking a lot about author bios. With multiple contributors, we’ve decided to dedicate a “Meet the Authors” section in our book, offering each writer a chance to connect with readers. Even with more space available in this section, understanding the art of crafting a concise, back-of-book author bio is essential.

So, what exactly goes into an author bio for the back of a book? Let’s break it down.

What Is a Back-of-Book Biography?

A back-of-book biography—often called an author bio—is a brief, engaging snapshot of who you are as a writer. It’s designed to introduce you to readers, build a connection, and establish your credibility. This small piece of text can have a big impact on how readers perceive you and your work.

Key Elements of a Back-of-Book Biography

Here’s what to include for a polished, professional author bio:

1. Brevity

Keep it short and sweet. A back-cover bio is typically no more than a sentence or two. There’s no room for your full life story here—focus only on the essentials.

2. Relevant Credentials

Highlight any qualifications, experiences, or achievements that relate to your book. For example:

Are you a former detective writing a crime thriller? Mention it.

Writing about personal finance? Note your professional background in the field.

3. Personal Touch

Include a relatable or humanizing detail, like where you live, a hobby, or a quirky fact. This helps readers connect with you on a personal level.

4. Tone

Match the tone of your bio to the tone of your book.

A humorous book might call for a witty, playful bio.

A serious nonfiction work should strike a professional, polished tone.

5. Current Work or Achievements

If you’ve published other notable works or received awards, this is the place to highlight them. Mention only the most impressive or relevant ones to keep it concise.

6. Call to Action (Optional)

You can include a website, social media handle, or email for readers who want to connect or learn more about you. This is optional but can be a great way to engage your audience beyond the book.

What to Avoid in Your Author Bio

1. Too Much Detail

Save the lengthy biography for the inside of the book or a dedicated “About the Author” page. The back-of-book bio should be quick and to the point.

2. Overshadowing the Book

The bio is there to complement the book, not steal the spotlight. Don’t let it distract from the main event: your writing.

Example of a Back Cover Author Bio

To give you an idea, here’s a simple yet effective example:

Jane Smith is a former marine biologist whose adventures at sea inspired her debut novel. She lives in Seattle with her two cats and a love of coffee.

This bio is concise, includes relevant credentials, adds a personal touch, and matches the tone of the book (which might be a fun, adventure-filled tale).

But what about the Author page? you might ask…

Here’s an example of what a more detailed “About the Author” page might look like, followed by an explanation of how it differs from a back-of-book bio:
About the Author
Jane Smith is a former marine biologist turned novelist who draws inspiration from her years of exploring the oceans. During her career, she spent over a decade researching coral reef ecosystems and leading deep-sea dives, experiences that serve as the foundation for her debut novel, Beneath the Waves.
Jane holds a Master’s degree in Marine Biology from the University of Washington and has published several academic papers on marine conservation. After transitioning from science to storytelling, Jane discovered her passion for weaving gripping adventures with environmental themes, which she hopes will inspire readers to appreciate and protect the natural world.
When she’s not writing, Jane enjoys kayaking along the Pacific Northwest coastline, photographing wildlife, and experimenting with sustainable gardening. She currently lives in Seattle with her two cats, Luna and Neptune, and an ever-growing collection of sea glass.
You can learn more about Jane and her work by visiting her website at http://www.janesmithwrites.com or following her on Instagram at @janesmithwrites.
How a Dedicated About Page Differs from a Back-of-Book Bio
The “About the Author” page is much longer and more detailed compared to a back-of-book bio, and here’s how they differ:

Length and Detail
Back-of-Book Bio: Short and concise—usually just 1-3 sentences meant to give readers a quick introduction to the author.
Example: Jane Smith is a former marine biologist whose adventures at sea inspired her debut novel. She lives in Seattle with her two cats.
About Page: Longer and more comprehensive, allowing the author to go into greater detail about their background, education, career, and personal life.
Purpose
Back-of-Book Bio: Its primary purpose is to establish credibility and give a brief personal touch, helping readers understand why the author is qualified to write the book.
About Page: Designed to provide a fuller picture of the author, including their expertise, motivations, hobbies, and potentially their journey as a writer, creating a deeper connection with the audience.
Tone
Back-of-Book Bio: Matches the tone of the book and is usually professional yet approachable (e.g., witty for a humorous book, formal for serious nonfiction).
About Page: Can be more conversational and personal, giving readers insight into the author’s personality and life beyond the book.
Call to Action
Back-of-Book Bio: Sometimes includes a subtle call to action, like a website or social media handle, but this isn’t always included.
About Page: Almost always includes links to the author’s website, social media, or other works, encouraging readers to engage further.
Audience
Back-of-Book Bio: Targets readers who are deciding whether to purchase or read the book.
About Page: Targets readers who want to learn more about the author after enjoying their book or discovering their work online.
When to Use Each
Back-of-Book Bio: A must-have for any book, as it’s often the first impression readers get of the author.
About Page: Ideal for an author’s website, blog, or even the back matter of a book for readers who want to dive deeper into the author’s life and work.

#WritingCommunity
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#WritersOfInstagram
#AuthorLife
#AuthorBranding
#MeetTheAuthor
#SelfPublishingTips
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#HowToWrite

No King Days: When Karen and Chad Reign Supreme

Ah, No King Days, a time to reflect on freedom, equality, and how we collectively despise anyone who tries to play dictator in our lives. And yet, lurking within the cul-de-sacs of suburbia, we find some of the most oppressive regimes known to man: Homeowners Associations, or HOAs for short. Think of them as the “Karen and Chad” fan club, but with legal power and an unquenchable thirst for petty tyranny.

On paper, HOAs sound great. They’re supposed to keep neighborhoods looking tidy, protect property values, and maintain some semblance of order. But give these self-appointed overlords a sliver of authority, and they’ll wield it like a scepter of doom. Rules? Sure, rules are important—but these folks take it to the next level. They’re like fascists with clipboards, gleefully smiting anyone who dare step out of line.

The Rise of HOA Tyranny

HOAs begin with good intentions. They’re supposed to uphold Covenants, Conditions, and Restrictions (CC&Rs)—fancy legalese for “rules that keep your neighbor from painting their house neon green and installing a flamingo army on their lawn.” But here’s the kicker: these rules are often outdated, mind-numbingly specific, and enforced with the zeal of a hall monitor on a power trip.

Even worse, some of these CC&Rs can only be updated every ten years. So, you’re stuck dealing with rules written in the ‘90s when pogs were cool and AOL was cutting-edge. It’s stupid. It’s stupid shit, to be precise.

And when these rules are challenged in court, it’s like watching a soap opera: dramatic, ridiculous, and occasionally satisfying when the little guy wins. But let’s face it, most of us don’t have the energy to fight back—we’re too busy hiding our trash cans and mowing our lawns to HOA-approved heights.

A Tribute to the Dumbest HOA Rules

Let’s dive into the greatest hits of HOA absurdity, shall we? These are the rules that make you wonder if the board members are secretly trolling their own communities.

1. Lawn and Garden Gestapo

No Pink Flamingos Allowed: A Texas HOA decided pink flamingos were too “tacky” for their pristine lawns. Naturally, residents rebelled by planting an army of the forbidden birds. Power to the flamingos.

Mandatory Lawn Mowing on Tuesdays: In Florida, you must mow your lawn on Tuesdays. Rainstorm? Tornado? Tough shit. The Lawn Patrol is watching.

Too Many Roses? Foreclosure!: A California homeowner planted more rose bushes than allowed, and the HOA took them to court. The result? Foreclosure. Over roses. Let that sink in.

2. Holiday Buzzkills

No Christmas Decorations Before Thanksgiving: Because nothing screams “community spirit” like fining someone for stringing up lights a few days early.

No Sidewalk Chalk: Even during the pandemic, some HOAs decided kids drawing hopscotch violated neighborhood aesthetics. Hope they’re proud of crushing childhood joy.

No Flags Allowed: A homeowner was told to remove a Canadian flag, even though decorative flags were fine. Clearly, the HOA had a personal vendetta against maple leaves.

3. Your Home, Their Rules

Pre-Approved Paint Only: In Arizona, you need permission—and probably a bribe—to use anything other than HOA-approved paint colors on your house.

No Visible Trash Cans: God forbid your garbage bins offend the delicate sensibilities of the HOA board. Hide them. Build a shrine for them if necessary.

No Square Doorbell Frames: Yes, there’s a place where square doorbells are literally banned. Why? Because screw you and your non-round doorbell, that’s why.

4. Petty Pet Policies

No More Than 15 Pounds of Pet: Some HOAs have weight limits for pets. If your dog gains a little weight? Guess you’re putting them on a diet or giving them the old yeller treatment.

Carry Your Dog in the Lobby: A Long Beach condo requires residents to carry their dogs through the lobby—because nothing says “luxury living” like juggling a squirming terrier and your groceries.

5. Amenity Nonsense

No Towel Sharing at the Pool: $25 fines for towel-sharing. Because heaven forbid someone uses your towel for five minutes.

No Climbing Trees: In Pennsylvania, climbing trees is banned. Sure, the HOA says it’s about safety, but let’s be honest—they just hate fun.

6. Garage and Parking Madness

Garage Doors Must Stay Open: One HOA required everyone to keep their garage doors open during the day. Why? To prevent illegal subletting. Obviously, it caused chaos and got overturned—but not before the world collectively rolled its eyes.

Five-Minute Garage Rule: Another gem: open your garage for longer than five minutes, and you’re fined. Better hope you’re fast at unloading groceries.

7. Sales and Moving Shenanigans

No “For Sale” Signs: Selling your house? Too bad. Hide that sign in a window like it’s contraband.

Garage Sale Dress Code: In one community, you were required to wear polos and khakis to host a garage sale. Because nothing says “yard sale” like suburban business casual.

8. Technology and Energy Hypocrisy

No Solar Panels Without Approval: Oh, you want to save the planet? Reduce your carbon footprint? Maybe lower your electricity bill? Not so fast, Captain Planet. First, you’ll need to fill out what feels like 37 forms, pay a ridiculous “approval fee,” and wait on the HOA board to decide if your solar panels meet their completely arbitrary aesthetic standards. Spoiler alert: they probably won’t. Saving the environment is great and all, but not if it clashes with the beige vibe of the neighborhood.

No Transmitters: This one’s a throwback to the late 1900s, when CB radios were all the rage and over-the-air TV signals were the pinnacle of entertainment. Back then, CB radios could interfere with TV reception, so some genius decided to ban transmitters entirely. Fast forward a few decades, and this rule is still kicking around, even though literally everything about TV has changed. If the HOA were to actually enforce this, you’d have to ditch your car key fob, because that’s technically a transmitter. Oh, and your TV remote? Gone. Better start preparing your kids to be your new channel changers, because you’re out of luck. This is the kind of rule that makes you want to dig up the original author of the CCR and ask them, “Who hurt you?”

The bigger point here is that CCRs need to evolve with the times. It’s not the 1980s anymore, Karen. People can install solar panels, use key fobs, and—shockingly—even have a trampoline that isn’t HOA-approved green or black.

No Blue Trampolines: This one’s a classic. Apparently, blue trampoline covers are banned because someone decided that wildlife might mistake them for water. Really? That’s the reason? I’d love to meet the HOA member who thought up this gem. Were they worried about a deer swan-diving into someone’s backyard trampoline? Or maybe ducks having an existential crisis? It’s hard to say. Either way, it reeks of “Sure, Jan.”9. Miscellaneous Bans That Make You Want to Scream

No Smoking in Your Own Home: Yep, some HOAs have banned smoking inside your house. Courts have actually upheld this. What’s next, banning garlic because your breath offends the neighbors?

No Baby Gates Allowed: Someone got fined for using a baby gate as temporary fencing for their dog. Because obviously, baby gates are a menace to society.

Conclusion:

HOAs: they’re like that overzealous middle manager who treats the office supply closet like it’s Fort Knox. They enforce lawn-mowing schedules, ban pink flamingos, and dictate the shape of your damn doorbell frame—all while the rest of us are just trying to exist without stepping on their fragile egos.

What needs to be done is shockingly simple: standardized CCRs at the state level. These rules should be clear, fair, and modern, reflecting the world we live in, not the 1950s suburban fever dream some HOAs are stuck in. Want to enforce them? Fine, but only if your neighborhood agrees to it. And for the love of all that’s holy, can we ban arbitrary Karens and Chads from wielding unchecked power? No one should need a lawyer or a degree in contract law just to figure out if they can plant a rose bush.

Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely! Elect a petty dictator wanna be as your personal Karen or Chad, and you get what you paid for.

So, on this fine No King Days, let’s salute the real heroes: the renegades who decorate their lawns with forbidden flamingos, hang wet towels over balconies, and dare to climb trees in defiance of petty tyrants. You’re the reason we haven’t completely lost our minds. Cheers to you—may your roses bloom freely, your trampolines be blue, and your HOA board meetings be as empty as their sense of humor. Cheers.

#ModernLiving
#AdultingFails
#Satire
#WhyWeCantHaveNiceThings
#NeighborhoodLife
#SolarPanelDrama
#OutdatedRules

“How to Create Characters That Don’t Suck (and Maybe Even Kick Ass)”

How to Build Characters : A Guide for Writers

So, while slogging through some stories (bless their hearts), it hit me that some folks could really use a crash course in character development. Because, let’s face it, reading about flat, lifeless characters is about as fun as watching paint dry on a rainy day. Great stories are built on great characters, so let’s talk about how to make them memorable, relatable, and, you know, not garbage.

Here’s the rundown:

1. Give Them a Damn Good Reason to Exist (aka Motivation)

Every character worth their salt wants something—something big, something juicy. It doesn’t matter if it’s love, revenge, a fat stack of cash, or just not dying a horrible death. Ask yourself: What’s their deal? What are they willing to burn down (figuratively, or literally) to get it? Take Harry Potter, for instance; he’s on a mission to take down Voldemort because, well, Voldemort killed his parents, and that’s kind of a dick move. See? Motivation. Clear as day.

2. Nobody Likes a Perfect

Perfect people don’t exist. (Except maybe Beyoncé, but even she probably has something.) If your character’s flawless, they’re boring. Like, “I ‘m-skipping-to-the-next-book” boring. Give them a mix of good and bad traits. Maybe your hero is brave as hell, but can’t keep their mouth shut when they should. Or maybe your villain is a manipulative jerk but secretly cries when they see stray puppies. People are messy; make your characters messy, too.

3. Growth Is Cool, but Stubbornness Is Also Fun

Look, people change or they don’t. Either way, it’s entertaining. Great stories often show characters evolving because of all the crap they go through. But hey, if your character is the kind of person who doubles down on their bad decisions instead of learning from them, that’s cool too. We all know someone like that in real life. (And we probably talk about them behind their back.)

4. Choices, Choices, Choices

Want your characters to feel real? Make them do stuff. Let them screw up, make bold moves, or accidentally burn down a metaphorical (or literal) bridge. Their decisions should have consequences, good ones, bad ones, or “holy-shit-did-they-really do that” ones. Actions reveal who your characters truly are. Plus, it keeps your plot from dying a slow, uneventful death.

5. Backstory: Sprinkle, Don’t Dump

A character’s past is like salt in a recipe, use just enough to enhance the flavor, but don’t go dumping the whole shaker in. Nobody wants to sit through five pages about your character’s traumatic childhood unless it actually affects how they act right now. Give us little breadcrumbs. Let us connect the dots. You’re not writing a therapy session, you’re writing a story.

6. Make Them Sound Like Actual Humans

Here’s a hot tip: not everyone talks like you. Shocking, I know. Give each character their own voice and quirks. Maybe one swears like a sailor, another spouts motivational quotes like they’re auditioning for a TED Talk, and another mumbles so much you’re not even sure what they’re saying half the time. Different speech patterns, body language, and habits make your characters stand out, and keep them from blending into one big, boring blob.

7. Make the Stakes Hit Home

If your character doesn’t care about what’s happening, why the hell should the reader? The stakes need to matter on a personal level. Sure, saving the world is great and all, but what if your protagonist is only doing it because their kid’s life is on the line? Or because their ex is leading the apocalypse and they want to prove they’re better at literally everything? Make it personal. Make it hurt.

8. Let Them Do Weird Shit Every Now and Then

Some of the best moments in stories come when a character does something you didn’t expect—but it still makes sense for who they are. Maybe your buttoned-up accountant suddenly punches someone in the face because they’ve finally had enough. Or your villain has a weirdly tender moment with their pet tarantula. Let your characters surprise you. Let them be unpredictable, but not completely out of character. There’s a fine line between “unexpected” and “WTF just happened.”

Final Words of Wisdom

At the end of the day, characters are the heart of your story. If you know them inside and out, their dreams, fears, secrets, and what kind of pizza they’d order at 3 a.m.—they’ll practically write the story for you. (Okay, not really, but you get the idea.) Keep them real, messy, and interesting, and your readers will stick around for the ride.

Now go forth and create some badass characters. Or don’t. But if you don’t, don’t blame me when your readers start yawning three chapters in.

In case you’re wondering… The Big Beautiful Book of Stupid Shit is still coming. I have to focus on editing, and I hate editing.

I did publish a memoir called “Lessons I learned at the wrong side of a badge. Yes, I had guns pointed at me and every mean, ugly, nasty thing you could imagine. After you read it, come back here, or there where you purchase it and tell me your thoughts.

BTW, it’s cheap and almost free if you’re on KDP.

#CharacterDevelopment #CreativeWritingTips #WritingCharacters #StorytellingTips #HowToWriteCharacters #FictionWriting #WritingAdvice #CreateRelatableCharacters #WritingHelp #BuildBetterCharacters

Point Blank: Lessons I Learned on the Wrong Side of a Badge

A Book You Didn’t Know You Needed (But Oh, You Do)

Let me hit you with a question: Have you ever looked back on your life, shaking your head like, What the actual hell was I thinking? Ever had cops point guns at you like you just robbed a damn bank? Or been pulled over for speeding, on a bicycle? If you answered yes to any of that, welcome to the club. And if you didn’t, buckle up, because this book will give you a front-row seat to the kind of weirdness you didn’t know you needed in your life.

Now, take that “what the hell” feeling, crank it up to eleven, sprinkle in a heaping dose of stupidity, and slather it all with dark humor. That’s my life in a nutshell. Well, that, and now it’s also my book.

Point Blank isn’t just a catchy title, it’s basically the theme of my existence. It’s a front-row seat to the absurdity of growing up chasing lizards in Carrollton, Texas, and somehow ending up walking a tightrope between comedy and total catastrophe. And let’s be real—who hasn’t been there?

This book is my love letter to the moments that make life… well, incredibly dumb. It’s a collection of stories, life lessons, and the facepalm-worthy memories that prove one thing: no matter how much you think you’ve got life figured out, you don’t. (Spoiler alert: no one does.) But honestly, isn’t that where the fun is? In the ridiculous, the unexpected, and the holy-crap-why-is-this-happening moments?

So, What the Hell Is Point Blank About?

At its core, Point Blank is a comedic deep dive into life’s dumbest moments. But it’s not just that. It’s part memoir, part roast, part free therapy session (for me, not you). It’s the kind of book you pick up when life’s been kicking you in the teeth, and you need a reminder that you are not the only one out here navigating the chaos.

Here’s a little teaser of what you’re in for:

Lessons I Learned While Staring Down the Barrel of a Gun

Pro tip: Don’t try to argue your case with the cops on the side of the road. Just don’t.

How to Survive a Head-On Collision (And the Bureaucratic Circus That Follows)

Because apparently, getting hit by a drunk driver isn’t enough. Nope, fate has to throw in paperwork, insurance nightmares, and a side of complete nonsense.

The Great Paper Route Fiasco

Picture this: ink-stained hands, 5 a.m. bike rides, and a not-so-charming run-in with the local cops. (Spoiler: they weren’t impressed.)

“Arrest-Me Red” and Other Car Choices I’d Like to Forget

Fast cars, flashing lights, and one particularly chaotic road trip from Miami to Key West that felt more like a cop magnet convention.

Reinvention 101

From engineer to IT guy to sci-fi writer, because apparently, I like to keep my life as unpredictable as possible.

Why You’re Gonna Love This Book

Okay, I get it. You’re probably thinking: Do I really need another book about someone else’s ridiculous life? But hear me out, this one’s different. It’s not just about my life. It’s about our lives.

It’s about the universal stupidity we all encounter—the shared facepalm moments that remind us we’re all just winging it. You’ll laugh (hard). You’ll cringe (probably harder). You might even tear up a little, but only in that holy crap, this is too real kind of way.

Think of Point Blank as sitting down with that one friend who’s been through some serious shit, lived to tell the tale, and somehow managed to find the punchline in every disaster.

Who’s This Book For?

If you’ve ever made a decision so dumb it deserves its own monument, this book’s for you.

If you’ve ever looked at someone else’s life and thought, Well, at least I’m not that guy, this book’s definitely for you.

If you’re a fan of George Carlin’s brutal honesty, Douglas Adams’ absurd humor, or David Sedaris’ ability to find hilarity in misery, congrats—you’ve found your new favorite read.

If you just need a good laugh, a break, or a reminder that life’s most chaotic moments are often the most memorable, this book is 1000% for you.

Where to Read It

Picture this: You’re sitting on the toilet (don’t even pretend you don’t scroll or read in there), flipping pages or swiping through your phone, and suddenly you’re laughing so hard you almost fall off the damn seat. That’s what this book is for.

It’s for the bathroom, the waiting room, the coffee break, the long-ass flight, or those sleepless nights when you just want to escape the madness for a bit.

A Final Word

Point Blank isn’t just a book. It’s an experience. It’s a rollercoaster through the highs and lows, the WTF moments, and the laughs that make life worth living—and retelling.

So here’s the deal: Buy the book. Read the book. Laugh at the book. Share the book. And who knows? Maybe you’ll start seeing your own life in a slightly less serious, slightly more ridiculous light.

Because let’s face it, isn’t that what we’re all trying to do? Find the humor in the madness, make sense of the chaos, and keep moving forward, one hilariously stupid moment at a time.

Go grab your copy of Point Blank. Trust me, your life will be better (or at least funnier) for it.

Then do me a solid, give it a review from where you bought it, or even read it for free on KDP.

Mastering Hooks: Capture Readers in 3 Seconds

Struggling with the business side of writing? You’re not alone. Here’s a candid look at turning pages into paychecks—join the conversation.

Capturing and Maintaining Reader Attention in the Age of Overload

In a world where your readers’ phones buzz every few seconds, attention is the rarest resource. Great ideas aren’t enough. To connect, you need to cut through noise, spark curiosity fast, and keep delivering value line by line. This post breaks down why attention is harder to earn today—and practical ways to win and keep it.

Information Overload: The New Reality

Did I just interrupt your doomscrolling? Good—that’s part of the problem I’m writing against. I’m wading through the same flood you are: more to read, watch, and hear than any one person can hold. New posts, newsletters, videos, and podcasts never stop. Even careful, polished work gets buried under the pile.

Why Your Hook Only Gets 3 Seconds (and Why You Should Panic a Little)

Okay, writers, let’s be real for a second: your hook has the lifespan of junk mail. You know what I’m talking about—that envelope that lands in your hands, gets a three-second glance, and then, unless it screams “Open me!”, takes a one-way trip to the trash (or, as my mom used to call it, the “circular filing cabinet”). Your readers are doing the exact same thing with your title, subtitle, and opening line. If you don’t grab them immediately, well… let’s just say your hard work is headed for the digital equivalent of the recycling bin.

Your job? Be that one letter worth opening. You know the one—the one that makes you pause, unfold it, and actually read the thing. Let’s talk about how to make your writing that irresistible.

What Makes a Winning Hook?

A good hook isn’t just about sounding clever—it’s about making readers stop their scrolling, squint at your words, and think, “Wait, this is for me!” Here’s what your hook should do:

Signal relevance fast: “This is for YOU.” Not some vague “writer” or “reader”—you.

Make a clear promise: “Here’s what you’ll get if you keep reading.”

Stir curiosity: “You don’t know this yet, but you’re about to find out.”

Be specific: Use names, numbers, or real-world examples.

Set stakes: Show them what’s in it for them—time saved, pain avoided, or success achieved.

Sound human: No fluff, no jargon, no robotic nonsense.

Writing is Junk Mail (Bear With Me…)

Your title = The envelope sender: If you don’t seem trustworthy, intriguing, or relevant, trash.

Your subtitle/preview = The teaser on the envelope: What’s inside? Spell out the benefit in one clean sentence.

Your opening line = The first sentence of the letter: Hit them with tension, a question, or a surprise.

Subheads and bold lines = The P.S. on the letter: Reinforce your promise with quick, scannable takeaways.

If any of these pieces are vague, boring, or confusing, guess what? Your reader “files” you—and not in a good way.

The 3-Second Test

Before you publish, ask yourself three questions. Score each from 1–5:

Clarity: Can a stranger tell who this is for and what they’ll get?

Curiosity: Is there an unresolved question, tension, or surprise?

Credibility: Are there specifics (names, numbers, situations) to back this up?

If any score less than a 3, it’s time to rewrite. Sorry, but you owe it to your readers—and your ego.

Hook Formulas That Actually Work

Let’s get practical. These formulas are like cheat codes for writing irresistible hooks:

Problem + Time Frame + Outcome

Example: “Spend 10 minutes today and cut your email replies in half this week.”

Surprising Stat + So What

Example: “Half your readers leave by paragraph two—here’s how to keep the rest.”

Confession + Pivot

Example: “I lost my first 1,000 subscribers—here’s what I did differently on #1,001.”

Question + Consequence

Example: “What if your opening line is costing you 80% of your readers?”

Contrarian Angle + Benefit

Example: “Stop outlining—story your scenes instead.”

Tiny Promise + Clear Benefit

Example: “One sentence that makes every paragraph pull its weight.”

Specific Who + Outcome

Example: “Freelance writers: the 7-word reply that doubles approvals.”

Before-and-After Examples (Because We’ve All Been There)

Weak: “Let’s talk about writing hooks.”

Strong: “Your first line decides if your work gets read—or trashed in three seconds.”

Weak: “Here are marketing tips.”

Strong: “A non-gross way to sell your book in 15 minutes a day.”

Weak: “My editing process.”

Strong: “How I cut 27% of fluff—and gained 40% more readers.”

Weak (Fiction): “A woman faces a challenge.”

Strong: “She was supposed to be dead by dawn—and had a meeting at nine.”

Weak (Memoir/Essay): “Work overwhelmed me.”

Strong: “I didn’t quit my job—I misplaced it under 97 unread emails.”

A Quick Workflow to Nail Your Hook

Write 10 versions of your hook. Yes, 10. Just do it.

Underline your nouns and verbs. If they’re vague, swap them for concrete ones.

Add stakes: time, money, emotion, or risk.

Pick a tension device: question, contrast, surprise, or confession.

Read it out loud. Can you grasp it in one breath?

Do the phone test: glance at your hook for three seconds. If it doesn’t grab you instantly, rewrite.

Pitfalls to Avoid

Clever but unclear: If no one understands your wordplay, it doesn’t matter.

Throat-clearing: “In today’s world…” Stop. Just start where the energy is.

Overpromising: Big claims with zero specifics = instant distrust.

Passive voice and hedges: “might,” “could possibly,” “somewhat.” Nope. Be bold and direct.

Your Hook is Your Envelope

At the end of the day, your hook is the envelope that keeps your work from being trashed. Make it unmistakably for your reader, promise a real payoff, and make that promise impossible to ignore. Because, let’s be honest, we’re all one bad hook away from the literary recycling bin—and nobody wants to end up there.

Now, go write a hook that makes me stop scrolling. I dare you.

And while your at it, like, follow, share and help a fellow author out.

Thanks!

If the interests is there I will post more articles like this to assist you in your career of turning your paperback into a paycheck.

Best

Author Scott

How Authors Can Thrive in the Digital Age

A lot of you are staring at flat sales and asking me the same thing I see in my inbox every week: are people still reading?

Short answer: yes. Longer answer: hell yes, but reading has changed outfits. People still love romance, fantasy, and thrillers, yet a lot of them are grabbing audiobooks, e-books, and snackable serials on Wattpad and Substack. Attention is a fragile little beast, so readers also go for shorter, punchier stuff, or they want summaries and adaptations like podcasts and quick recaps that fit between life, work, and whatever Netflix is feeding them tonight.

Where Are People Reading?

Online platforms: Wattpad, Kindle Direct Publishing, Substack, and even Reddit are buzzing with new voices and weirdly passionate niche communities.
Social media: Instagram’s Bookstagram, TikTok’s BookTok, and Twitter’s BookTwitter can catapult a book from “who the hell is this?” to “I saw that everywhere.”
Audiobooks and podcasts: Multitaskers unite. People listen while commuting, cleaning, working out, or pretending to stretch.

Why, you might ask. Have you listened to the news? Then you know the answer.

How Can an Unknown Writer Get Known Today?

1) Social media is a tool, not a religion

Use it if it helps. It’s great for visibility, networking, and actually talking to readers, but it shouldn’t swallow your writing time.
Yes, some authors thrive with little or no social presence. They are the exception. For most of us mortals, social helps put the work in front of eyeballs.

2) Other ways to get noticed

Self-publishing: KDP and Wattpad can get your work to readers without asking anyone’s permission.
Newsletter and email list: Gold. You own that relationship, and it beats shouting into the algorithm void.
Collaborations: Guest posts, podcast interviews, swaps with other writers. Borrow audiences like a pro.
Local events: Bookstores, libraries, and fairs still move the needle. Also, free cookies sometimes.

3) If you do social, do it smart

Go where your readers hang out. TikTok is huge for YA and romance. Twitter is strong for sci-fi and literary fiction.
Post more than “buy my book.” Share behind-the-scenes bits, the messy writing process, personal stories, and jump into reader conversations. Be a human, not a billboard.

The Business of Writing: From A to Z

Writing a great story matters. Editing matters. Neither will save you if you treat your book like a message in a bottle. Authors are not just artists. You are a business. That means strategy, systems, and marketing that moves people to talk about your work and you.This is not selling out. This is how you get read.

What “Business” Means for Authors

Product: Your book, your series, your backlist, your bonus content.
Brand: The promise you make to readers and the vibe you deliver every time.
Distribution: How your work reaches people, both digital and physical.
Marketing: How you attract attention and convert it into actual readers.
Operations: Calendars, budgets, deadlines, tools, contracts, taxes. The glamorous stuff.
Analytics: Knowing what works so you can do more of it and stop guessing.

The A to Z of Author Biz

A — Audience: Define a reader persona, not a vague blob. Who are they, what do they read, where do they hang out, why do they care.
B — Brand: One line that nails your promise. Keep your covers, copy, and tone consistent.
C — Copywriting: Your blurb and ad hooks must carry their own weight. Clarity beats clever.
D — Distribution: Go wide, or go exclusive. Pick based on genre norms and your goals.
E — Email: Build a list. Own your audience. Send value, not spam.
F — Funnel: Attract, capture, nurture, convert, delight. Simple beats messy.
G — Goals: Monthly word count, quarterly launches, revenue targets. Write them down.
H — Hook: A sharp premise plus emotional stakes. Put it everywhere.
I — IP: Protect your rights. Think audio, translation, merch, adaptations.
J — Joint ventures: Cross-promos, anthology teams, podcast swaps. Borrow trust.
K — Keywords: Metadata matters. Help stores and search engines find you.
L — Launch: ARC teams, preorders, schedule, assets, reviews on day one.
M — Marketing: Sustained, not frantic. Test small, then scale.
N — Nurture: Behind-the-scenes updates, freebies, bonus chapters, Q&A.
O — Outreach: Book clubs, libraries, indie bookstores, local media.
P — Positioning and Price: Know your shelf. Price to market, then experiment.
Q — Quality control: Edit, proof, format. Readers forgive a lot, but not sloppy.
R — Reviews: Make it easy to leave them. Never argue with a reviewer.
S — Social proof: Testimonials, awards, charts, screenshots. Use them.
T — Testing: Covers, blurbs, ad images, first pages. Let data win.
U — USP: Your unique angle. Say it plainly. Repeat it often.
V — Visibility: SEO, social, ads, partnerships, events. Stack your channels.
W — Word of mouth: The engine you build on purpose, not by accident.
X — X-factor: A signature element readers remember. A tone, trope, theme, or world.
Y — You, Inc.: Protect your time and energy. Systems beat willpower.
Z — Zero regret finish: Close loops, deliver on promises, ask for the next action.

Marketing That Gets People Talking

People share what makes them feel smart, seen, or entertained. Give them something to pass along.

Talk triggers: A bold premise, an unexpected twist, a controversial question, a jaw-drop world rule. Bake one into the book and the blurb.
Shareables: Quote cards, short audio clips, 20–40 second video hooks, tidy behind-the-scenes photos. Make it easy to repost.
Reader roles: ARC team, street team, beta readers, name-a-character contests, choice-of-cover votes.
Communities: Goodreads groups, Discord servers, Reddit threads, TikTok and Instagram niches. Show up where conversations already exist.
Micro-influencers: Bookstagrammers, BookTok creators, niche podcasts, genre newsletters. Smaller audiences can convert better.
Book clubs: Offer discussion guides, Zoom drop-ins, signed bookplates, discounts for bulk.
Local buzz: Libraries, indie bookstores, college lit groups, hometown papers. Real humans, real momentum.

Your Visibility Stack

Home base: A simple website and an email list. You own both.
One primary social channel: Go where your readers actually are. Post consistently, not constantly.
Retail pages that convert: Strong cover, tight blurb, dialed metadata, compelling Look Inside.
Ads as accelerant: Start tiny on Amazon, Meta, or TikTok. Test audiences and creatives.
Search and SEO: Author name, series name, genre keywords. Make Google your friend.

A Simple Weekly System

Write: 5 sessions. Protect them like a dragon hoard.
Nurture: 1 email or community post with value or a peek behind the curtain.
Grow: 1 outreach action. Pitch a podcast, DM a creator, apply for a promo.
Promote: 2 evergreen posts or clips that spotlight your hook.
Measure: 20 minutes on metrics. Keep doing what moves the needle.

Metrics That Matter

Email list growth and open rate
Conversion on your retail pages
Cost per click and cost per new reader
Read-through across a series
Reviews per 100 sales
Time on page for your first chapter or sample

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Hiding behind the book: You are part of the product. Readers follow people.
Launching cold: Build a list and a conversation before release week.
Random acts of marketing: Pick a plan and stick to it for at least one quarter.
Chasing every trend: Choose one lane you can sustain.
Forgetting the back end: No clear next step means lost momentum.

Make Them Talk About You

Own a theme or hill to die on: A point of view readers can quote at dinner.
Name your world or promise: A catchy series name or manifesto line helps memory stick.
Deliver delight moments: Unexpected bonus scenes, secret epilogues, surprise art drops.
Invite participation: Polls, challenges, reading sprints, live Q&A.
Close with an ask: If you loved it, tell a friend, leave a review, join the list. Simple and direct.

Now, for all this free advice…My latest creation The Big Beautiful Book of Stupid Shit is almost ready for publication. If you like what you read, give me a follow, a thumbs up, hell repost it for me because what I have written will not only assist other writers but this book which is as large as “The Big Beautiful Bill.” is almost ready.

Thanks and much Love…

AuthorScott

Is it him, or is it you?

Let’s talk about this mess we call political theater, shall we? Because holy shit, the amount of stupid shit happening on the world stage these days is staggering. It’s like watching a soap opera, but with worse scripts, uglier actors, and way more assholes. Social media, of course, eats this crap up. Every time a politician stumbles—physically, verbally, or just by existing—you’ve got the same lineup of Twitter warriors ready to pounce. They’re like rabid dogs foaming at the mouth, eager to unleash a fresh “buffoon” meme just so they can feel something inside their cold, dead hearts. But here’s the thing: how much of the shitstorm we see is real, and how much of it is just a big, steaming pile of manufactured chaos? Buckle up, because I’m about to take you behind the curtain of one of the dumbest political spectacles I’ve ever seen.

The UN Incident: A Shitshow for the Ages

Alright, so recently, our fearless president (pause for laughter) was at the United Nations doing his thing—you know, standing at a podium, attempting not to piss off the entire world. Pretty standard day for a world leader.But, oh no, the man looked a little wobbly at the microphone, and the internet collectively shit its pants. Cue the “He’s a moron!” comments. “What a buffoon!” someone shouts. “Did he forget how to human?” chimes in another. Honestly, it’s like a goddamn sport at this point, and these people are playing for the championship title of “Biggest Internet Dickhead.”But wait—because here’s the part no one talks about. You know, the part where the universe decided to fuck with him just to see if he’d break.First, the escalator incident. Picture this: the president and first lady are riding an escalator on their way up to the stage. Seems simple enough, right? WRONG. Because mid-ascent, some genius decides to turn off the goddamn escalator. Who the hell even does that?! I’m not saying it was a secret assassin-level mission to make them faceplant, but let’s be honest—it would’ve made for some killer viral footage. One wrong move, and we’d all be watching a slow-motion tumble meme for the next decade.But wait—because the shitstorm wasn’t done brewing.Next up, our guy makes it to the microphone, probably thinking, “Well, at least I didn’t fall on my face.” And BAM! The teleprompter dies. Just straight-up goes dark like someone unplugged it to charge their phone. Now, I don’t care who you are—when you’re standing in front of the world’s most powerful leaders and your script disappears, you’re gonna sweat a little. Hell, most of us would burst into tears and fake a fainting spell just to GTFO.But not this guy. Oh no. He decides to go rogue and wing it. He cracks some jokes, throws in a few ad-libs, and keeps the train rolling. Classic Trump. Of course, this makes his haters absolutely lose their fucking minds. Because God forbid he tries to lighten the mood when the teleprompter gods have clearly conspired against him.

The Double Standard: Could You Do Better, Karen?

Let’s take a moment to reflect: What if this shit happened to you? Imagine you’re at work, giving the most important presentation of your life, and suddenly someone yanks the PowerPoint out from under you. Oh, and they also turned off the elevator on your way up, so you had to awkwardly stumble into the room, already sweaty and pissed off.Could you keep your cool? Would you ad-lib your way to greatness? Or would you stand there like a deer in headlights while Brenda from accounting live-tweets your breakdown? Be honest—you’d fucking crumble. But when it’s a public figure, we just grab our popcorn and laugh like we’re watching a shitty sitcom.

The Reality of Political Theater

Here’s the thing: politics is one big circus. And not the fun kind with popcorn and elephants—it’s the kind where everyone’s drunk, the clowns are creepy, and someone’s probably going to get stabbed. What we see on social media is just the surface-level stupidity, carefully edited for maximum outrage. But behind the scenes? It’s a goddamn war zone. People are setting traps, pulling stunts, and spinning narratives like their lives depend on it.The escalator didn’t just “stop.” The teleprompter didn’t just “malfunction.” Shit like this doesn’t just happen. It’s all part of a bigger game, and we’re the idiots sitting in the bleachers, cheering for the chaos.

Final Thoughts: Humanity Is Exhausting

Look, I get it. Politicians aren’t exactly easy to love. Most of them are rich, out-of-touch, and probably don’t know how much a gallon of milk costs. But at the end of the day, they’re still human. They trip. They sweat. They get sabotaged by escalators and teleprompters from hell. And maybe—just maybe—we should cut them a little slack.Or don’t. Honestly, it’s more fun to watch people lose their shit over stupid things. Just remember: the next time you see a viral clip of someone “failing,” there’s probably more to the story. Or maybe there’s not, and they really are just a buffoon. Either way, political theater is just another chapter in the never-ending saga of stupid shit humans do.

Let’s get one thing straight: if you hate this president, there’s absolutely nothing—and I mean nothing—he could ever do to make you say anything remotely nice about him. Period. Full stop. End of story. He could personally save your dog from a burning building, hand you a wad of cash, and solve your student loan debt, and you’d still find a way to say, “Yeah, but he’s still a dick.”And don’t even get me started on the media. Those guys are like a pack of rabid hyenas, frothing at the mouth to tear apart every single thing he does. The coverage is, what, 97% negative? Ninety-freaking-seven percent. That’s about as close to unanimous hatred as you can get without someone sending out a “Destroy Trump” group email.

Meanwhile, Back in Reality…

Here’s the kicker: the country is actually doing better than it has in years. Let me say that again for the people in the back: things are going pretty damn well.Crime? Down. D.C., which is basically a madhouse on a good day, is somehow safer than it’s been in a while. Your dollar? Worth more. The economy? Chugging along nicely. But does any of that matter to the people who hate him? Hell no. He could literally cure cancer tomorrow—like, “Hey guys, I found the cure, it was in my sock drawer the whole time,”—and the haters would still lose their minds.“Oh, but why didn’t he cure it sooner?”
“This is just a distraction from [insert random scandal here]!”
“Sure, he cured cancer, but what about climate change?”
“Why is he even wearing socks?!”It’s like people are determined to hate him, no matter what. He could walk on water, and they’d just complain about how his shoes got wet.

The Bottom Line: Some People Just Wanna Hate

Look, I’m not saying you have to love the guy. Hell, you don’t even have to like him. But let’s at least be honest here: if you hated him from the start, you’re never going to give him credit for anything. It doesn’t matter what he does. He could fix the economy, solve world hunger, and rescue a kitten from a tree, and you’d still find a way to call him an asshole.And honestly? That says more about you than it does about him.So, go ahead and keep hating. But at some point, maybe take a step back and ask yourself: Am I mad because he’s actually terrible, or am I just mad because it’s trendy to hate him? Either way, congratulations—you’re officially part of the political theater circus. Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Why ‘Ask Your Doctor If Death Is Right for You’ Works

Years ago I worked at an advertising agency. We had to be creative. Today while watching the news I was shocked by the big pharma ads. The tag line: is death right for you, came to mind.

Thinking back to those days, I formulated an ad campaign that would never get played, but it should. Do we really need pills that keep us hooked on more pills to fix the side effects of those pills?

Tell me what you think.

Alright, team. Gather ‘round. I’ve got a pitch for you that’s equal parts brilliance, absurdity, and just the right amount of “what the actual f***.” You’re going to love it. Or hate it. Either way, we’re making history—and probably pissing off Big Pharma in the process.

Picture this: A pharmaceutical commercial. But not just any pharmaceutical commercial. Oh no, this isn’t your run-of-the-mill “cure one thing, destroy seven others” nonsense. This is bold, it’s darkly funny, and it’s honest. Strap in, because I’m about to sell you the next big thing in healthcare advertising.

Opening Scene: A Hallmark Dream

We start with the usual formula—because let’s face it, the best parody thrives on clichés.

Imagine a serene meadow: golden sunlight pouring through the trees, a golden retriever frolicking in slow motion, and a woman spinning in circles like she just discovered her life has been sponsored by Xanax. The piano music? Uplifting. The visuals? Pinterest-worthy. The voiceover? Smooth as silk.

“Are you tired of your minor discomfort? Is that pesky rash ruining your Tuesday? Does your slight headache feel like the universe is conspiring against you? Introducing PanaceaX™—because being mildly inconvenienced is clearly the worst thing that can happen to you.”

Cue the woman laughing with her family. She’s baking cookies with zero regard for her gluten intolerance. The dog’s wagging its tail like it’s auditioning for a Disney movie. You feel warm, cozy, safe. But then… oh, then, the voiceover takes a turn.

The Twist: Side Effects from Hell

“Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, explosive diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, hallucinations, existential dread, spontaneous combustion, and, oh yeah—death.”

Pause for dramatic effect.

“Ask your doctor if PanaceaX™ is right for you.”

Now, let’s linger on this for a second. Death. We’re not even trying to sugarcoat it. We’re leaning all the way in. Because, let’s be real—half the drugs on the market already come with side effects that sound like rejected horror movie plots. Why not own it?

The tagline? Simple, catchy, and just the right amount of nihilistic charm:

“PanaceaX™: Because if you’re gonna die anyway, you might as well do it medicated.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But how do we make people laugh about something as horrifying as spontaneous internal bleeding or uncontrollable rage?” Easy. We do what pharmaceutical ads already do—bury it under a montage of happy people living their best lives. Except we call attention to how absolutely insane it is.

The voiceover speeds up, auctioneer-style. You know the drill: “Nausea. Vomiting. Headaches. Diarrhea so explosive it’ll put food poisoning to shame. Dry mouth so bad you’ll think you’ve been licking sandpaper. And for those of you lucky enough to hit the jackpot: sudden personality changes, hallucinations, and the occasional bout of spontaneous combustion. PanaceaX™: Because nothing says ‘healthcare’ like becoming a walking dumpster fire.”

Meanwhile, the visuals continue to show people doing things that have nothing to do with the drug. A dad teaching his kid to ride a bike. A couple on a beach. A grandma knitting a sweater for her cat. No one’s vomiting. No one’s combusting. It’s all lies. But that’s the beauty of it.

Let’s Talk About the Rare Side Effects

Now, this is where we really shine. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill “oops, I sneezed too hard” side effects. Oh no. These are the real gems. The ones that make you question your life choices.

Uncontrollable Rage: Perfect for holiday dinners with the in-laws.

Sudden Hair Loss: Because bald is the new black.

Loss of Taste: Both literal and metaphorical. Say goodbye to your sense of flavor and your fashion sense.

Spontaneous Internal Bleeding: A fun surprise for everyone involved.

Death: The ultimate cure for all ailments. Guaranteed 100% effective every time.

And we have to include this one: “May cause an irrational fear of ducks.” Why? Because it’s weird, it’s random, and it makes people pay attention.

The Irony of It All

Here’s the kicker, folks: The diseases these drugs are treating? They’re usually not that big a deal. Heartburn? Allergies? A little anxiety? You don’t need a pill for that—you need a nap and a decent therapist. But no, we’ve been conditioned to think that every minor inconvenience requires a chemical solution. And let’s be honest, we eat it up. Why? Because the ads show us what we want to see: happiness, health, freedom.

That’s the genius of it. They dangle the perfect life in front of us, and we bite. Even if the fine print basically says, “May cause your organs to implode.”

Final Scene: The Closing Pitch

So here’s how we wrap it up. The screen fades to black. The piano music swells. The logo for PanaceaX™ appears, glowing softly. And the voiceover delivers the final line with just the right amount of smug optimism:

“PanaceaX™: Ask your doctor if death is right for you. (Spoiler alert: It probably is.)”

Cue the woman spinning in the meadow one last time, but this time, she’s holding a giant bottle of PanaceaX™ like it’s the Holy Grail.

Why This Works

This pitch is self-aware, sarcastic, and just unhinged enough to go viral. It pokes fun at the absurdity of pharmaceutical advertising while staying true to the format. It’s dark, it’s funny, and most importantly—it’s memorable. People will be quoting, “Ask your doctor if death is right for you” for years.

So, what do you think? Are we ready to take the pharmaceutical world by storm, or should we just prescribe ourselves a big ol’ dose of “f*** it” and call it a day?

A Taste of Stupid Shit (Coming Soon to a Brain Near You)

That, my friends, is just a tiny sample of the glorious nonsense you’ll find in The Big Beautiful Book of Stupid Shit, which is currently in the editing process. Yes, I’m editing it—because apparently, society frowns upon just flinging raw stupidity into the world without a little polish. Go figure.

I’m hoping to release it in the next few weeks because, let’s be real, the world desperately needs this. We’re drowning in stupidity every day—on TV, on social media, at family reunions—and someone (me) needs to catalog it, mock it, and gift-wrap it for your reading pleasure.

So, do me a favor: subscribe, follow, comment, and tell me what you think. Or don’t. I’m not your mom. But if you do, you’ll get to say you were here before this book becomes the literary equivalent of a viral cat meme. And let’s face it—who doesn’t want that level of cultural credibility?

Go forth, let your voice be heard and spread the word far and wide. Or don’t. No matter what, this book will come to fruition, and it promises to be an exceptionally enjoyable experience. Stay tuned, and prepare for comedy gold written in bite-sized chapters that will have you laughing as if you were at a live show.

-Best