Years ago I worked at an advertising agency. We had to be creative. Today while watching the news I was shocked by the big pharma ads. The tag line: is death right for you, came to mind.

Thinking back to those days, I formulated an ad campaign that would never get played, but it should. Do we really need pills that keep us hooked on more pills to fix the side effects of those pills?

Tell me what you think.

Alright, team. Gather ‘round. I’ve got a pitch for you that’s equal parts brilliance, absurdity, and just the right amount of “what the actual f***.” You’re going to love it. Or hate it. Either way, we’re making history—and probably pissing off Big Pharma in the process.

Picture this: A pharmaceutical commercial. But not just any pharmaceutical commercial. Oh no, this isn’t your run-of-the-mill “cure one thing, destroy seven others” nonsense. This is bold, it’s darkly funny, and it’s honest. Strap in, because I’m about to sell you the next big thing in healthcare advertising.

Opening Scene: A Hallmark Dream

We start with the usual formula—because let’s face it, the best parody thrives on clichés.

Imagine a serene meadow: golden sunlight pouring through the trees, a golden retriever frolicking in slow motion, and a woman spinning in circles like she just discovered her life has been sponsored by Xanax. The piano music? Uplifting. The visuals? Pinterest-worthy. The voiceover? Smooth as silk.

“Are you tired of your minor discomfort? Is that pesky rash ruining your Tuesday? Does your slight headache feel like the universe is conspiring against you? Introducing PanaceaX™—because being mildly inconvenienced is clearly the worst thing that can happen to you.”

Cue the woman laughing with her family. She’s baking cookies with zero regard for her gluten intolerance. The dog’s wagging its tail like it’s auditioning for a Disney movie. You feel warm, cozy, safe. But then… oh, then, the voiceover takes a turn.

The Twist: Side Effects from Hell

“Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, explosive diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, hallucinations, existential dread, spontaneous combustion, and, oh yeah—death.”

Pause for dramatic effect.

“Ask your doctor if PanaceaX™ is right for you.”

Now, let’s linger on this for a second. Death. We’re not even trying to sugarcoat it. We’re leaning all the way in. Because, let’s be real—half the drugs on the market already come with side effects that sound like rejected horror movie plots. Why not own it?

The tagline? Simple, catchy, and just the right amount of nihilistic charm:

“PanaceaX™: Because if you’re gonna die anyway, you might as well do it medicated.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But how do we make people laugh about something as horrifying as spontaneous internal bleeding or uncontrollable rage?” Easy. We do what pharmaceutical ads already do—bury it under a montage of happy people living their best lives. Except we call attention to how absolutely insane it is.

The voiceover speeds up, auctioneer-style. You know the drill: “Nausea. Vomiting. Headaches. Diarrhea so explosive it’ll put food poisoning to shame. Dry mouth so bad you’ll think you’ve been licking sandpaper. And for those of you lucky enough to hit the jackpot: sudden personality changes, hallucinations, and the occasional bout of spontaneous combustion. PanaceaX™: Because nothing says ‘healthcare’ like becoming a walking dumpster fire.”

Meanwhile, the visuals continue to show people doing things that have nothing to do with the drug. A dad teaching his kid to ride a bike. A couple on a beach. A grandma knitting a sweater for her cat. No one’s vomiting. No one’s combusting. It’s all lies. But that’s the beauty of it.

Let’s Talk About the Rare Side Effects

Now, this is where we really shine. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill “oops, I sneezed too hard” side effects. Oh no. These are the real gems. The ones that make you question your life choices.

Uncontrollable Rage: Perfect for holiday dinners with the in-laws.

Sudden Hair Loss: Because bald is the new black.

Loss of Taste: Both literal and metaphorical. Say goodbye to your sense of flavor and your fashion sense.

Spontaneous Internal Bleeding: A fun surprise for everyone involved.

Death: The ultimate cure for all ailments. Guaranteed 100% effective every time.

And we have to include this one: “May cause an irrational fear of ducks.” Why? Because it’s weird, it’s random, and it makes people pay attention.

The Irony of It All

Here’s the kicker, folks: The diseases these drugs are treating? They’re usually not that big a deal. Heartburn? Allergies? A little anxiety? You don’t need a pill for that—you need a nap and a decent therapist. But no, we’ve been conditioned to think that every minor inconvenience requires a chemical solution. And let’s be honest, we eat it up. Why? Because the ads show us what we want to see: happiness, health, freedom.

That’s the genius of it. They dangle the perfect life in front of us, and we bite. Even if the fine print basically says, “May cause your organs to implode.”

Final Scene: The Closing Pitch

So here’s how we wrap it up. The screen fades to black. The piano music swells. The logo for PanaceaX™ appears, glowing softly. And the voiceover delivers the final line with just the right amount of smug optimism:

“PanaceaX™: Ask your doctor if death is right for you. (Spoiler alert: It probably is.)”

Cue the woman spinning in the meadow one last time, but this time, she’s holding a giant bottle of PanaceaX™ like it’s the Holy Grail.

Why This Works

This pitch is self-aware, sarcastic, and just unhinged enough to go viral. It pokes fun at the absurdity of pharmaceutical advertising while staying true to the format. It’s dark, it’s funny, and most importantly—it’s memorable. People will be quoting, “Ask your doctor if death is right for you” for years.

So, what do you think? Are we ready to take the pharmaceutical world by storm, or should we just prescribe ourselves a big ol’ dose of “f*** it” and call it a day?

A Taste of Stupid Shit (Coming Soon to a Brain Near You)

That, my friends, is just a tiny sample of the glorious nonsense you’ll find in The Big Beautiful Book of Stupid Shit, which is currently in the editing process. Yes, I’m editing it—because apparently, society frowns upon just flinging raw stupidity into the world without a little polish. Go figure.

I’m hoping to release it in the next few weeks because, let’s be real, the world desperately needs this. We’re drowning in stupidity every day—on TV, on social media, at family reunions—and someone (me) needs to catalog it, mock it, and gift-wrap it for your reading pleasure.

So, do me a favor: subscribe, follow, comment, and tell me what you think. Or don’t. I’m not your mom. But if you do, you’ll get to say you were here before this book becomes the literary equivalent of a viral cat meme. And let’s face it—who doesn’t want that level of cultural credibility?

Go forth, let your voice be heard and spread the word far and wide. Or don’t. No matter what, this book will come to fruition, and it promises to be an exceptionally enjoyable experience. Stay tuned, and prepare for comedy gold written in bite-sized chapters that will have you laughing as if you were at a live show.

-Best

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