boundary – TheTimeDok

Toxic people

If I don’t agree with you, lock-step, I am wrong and therefore must be dismissed. That however is not good enough, not only must I be dismissed, I must be told how stupid that I am for not seeing things exactly as you do! And when I am being informed of how brainless that I am, the informer is compelled to use the most derisive terminology that they can come up with. Not only am I attacked, but my lineage is attacked! Further, the attacks are from the faceless, nameless, who build themselves up, by tearing others down. Please note that if that is your tactic, I will not engage you.

Firstly, if we all agreed on everything, than we would all most certainly be taking the blue pill. (Brave New World.)

Opinions are formed by many factors including, who your parents were, what geographic area of the world that you were born and grew up in. Where you went to school, what you studied. Who your professors were and where they grew up, and where they studied. Your views are predicated on so many different factors that we can not all possibly agree on everything as, we are a diverse people.

Diversity builds strength and character.

In my daily walk, I choose to have friends that are as diverse in nature as night vs. day. Why? If I have friends that are all “like minded,” how can I possibly grow as a human being? “This is my box, as long as I stay inside the box the world will be ok, please don’t try to confuse me with the facts!”

Folks; that thinking is profoundly flawed!

There is a modicum of truth out there from just about anyone with a brain. I heard a man on a talk show trying to convince the moderator that since all people come from Africa that the black man is the father of the entire human genome and therefore all species of man everywhere should treat the black man with the respect of a parent, and pay homage to them. He as a matter of fact went on to say that they were entitled to receive stuff from the white person, for this reason.

The moderator somehow managed not to laugh at this guy, and while I was thinking how misinformed that this person is; I was interested in his take on the world. He, like many does not look outside the box. Somewhere in his history someone passed that story to him, and he did not question it.

Early man traces back some 6 million years.. There were several different “evolutionary developments of man” in that time period and while man may have fist walked up right in what is now Africa, you must remember that Africa did not look like it does now back 6 million odd years ago, and with tectonic plate movement, was probably not located anywhere then, where it is today.

The truth will set you free!

We as a people must learn to embrace the truth. Before we embrace it, we must learn what the truth is. Many don’t want to do this because the truth is uncomfortable.

Are you the type of person who goes to the doctor if you have a strange pain? Not the kind of pain that keeps you up at night, on a scale of 1-10 say it is a 2. Do you go get it checked out? Are you the kind of person who goes and get regular check ups and do you go for cancer screenings both of the external kind as well as the invasive type that all of us dread.

Why or why not?

If you do, you are one of the few who is willing to learn the truth and then deal with it. If the truth reveals some form of cancer; catching it early increases your odds of beating it, our outrunning it. If not, the truth scares you and you would rather live in your box. I know people who will not even go to the doctor for a simple check up as they “feel fine!”

We had a blood drive at the office one day. One of my friends was called by the folks after the fact, and told to check with her doctor as there was something not right with her blood. You need to understand that this person never missed work, was never late and exhibited no symptoms of any illness prior to finding out that there was a problem.

She found out that she had leukemia and the remarkable thing was, she died two weeks later! The brain is so powerful, that when she was told that she had cancer, her brain killed her! That is why it is imperative that when you are sick that you keep a good mental attitude; and if you are really sick, you find a place that treats the entire body, not just the illness.

There are many reasons that people have issues with evolution.

The basic issue is really a matter of human limitation; we cannot conceive of 4.5 billion years, we simply can’t do it! If our limited mind could; we would be railing against the $18 trillion of debt that this country currently has dug itself into but, we cannot put that into any context that makes sense.

Why do you think so many people play the lottery? Large numbers are not something that our limited minds can fathom. The odds of winning are 1 in 250M rounded down.

But still many people buy tickets so they are either, really bad at math or, they cannot conceive of how many 250 million other folks playing affects the chances of them winning.

We cannot comprehend 4.5 billion years of age on the earth and we cannot comprehend that man has been here for over 6 million years so, we invent something more tenable. We invent the creation story.

Now before you write me and call me names; I have a third possibility for you, one that I happen to think makes more sense.

Having studied biology and realizing that each cell is actually a machine, I too find it difficult to believe that random happenstance, even over billions of years is responsible for us.

So how about this for a possibility; what if, some omnipotent being used the evolutionary process to design what we have today? What if the stories that we read in Sunday school, are his way of allowing us to deal with our creation; as we could not possibly understand genetic manipulation 2000 years ago. What if God’s language is that of science?

Dealing with the facts on a scientific basis makes life much simpler. Dealing with others on common grounds “which we all have” makes life with others possible.

I do not require you to agree with me to be friends with you and I don’t require that you submit to my way of thinking in order to carry on a conversation. I do require that you be open to the possibility that your way of thinking may not be iron clad. Staying open to other possibilities is what I am about.

There is strength in diversity of thought. There is always room for growth as a person and acceptance if not simply the respect of others views.

As one who studies philosophy, I enjoy the Sufis among others. There actually is common ground, if you care to look.

Embracing life is a philosophy that I hold close, and I think most would benefit from. Man must build up each other, instead of tearing them down.

I do not allow toxic people into my circle. Observing boundaries and not crossing them keeps me sane. Sharing with you some of my walk is my effort to help my fellow man.

Above all else, seek the truth. Be willing to look outside your box for the answers. I truly feel that we are all connected in some grand way and while some might call this “new age” or put some other bullshit label on it, a large number of you will know this to be true.

Boundaries

As I spoke earlier about setting boundaries, I want you to imagine for a moment, the solar system. The sun in the middle and each and every planet orbiting the sun as it has done for billions of years.

Now for argument sake, pretend that you are the sun. Your friends or family are the planets. Your BFF might be Mercury who you tell everything. Like the best the sun has to offer, mercury also gets the worst as it is really too close but, what are BFF’s for?

Now you have other friends who are out there with Venus or the Earth or Mars etc.

Toxic folks are like Pluto “who I still think is a planet,” but just kept at a distance as they are simply toxic. They still get some energy from you, but not very much. Have you ever noticed how some people will simply rob you of your energy? Push them away from your circle.

Learning to set boundaries will keep you sane. Learning to keep toxic people, thoughts and practices away from you is truly an art, but one worth attempting. You let Pluto come do a close fly by, every now and then to see if they have grown any. If they have, maybe you let them into Jupiter’s orbit or maybe even Mars!

The lesson here is you are in control of your destiny. Don’t allow others to poison your well.

-Best to you and those that you care about!

Text vs. phone vs. talking in person.

This is not a new subject but one that deserves attention.

Recently I was reading and posting on a social forum and recognized that people were not picking up on sarcasm or someone’s attempt at humor vs. someone being totally sincere in their opinion.

When one person does not pick up on some sort of queue and responds in kind the entire thread turns bitter and quite frankly is a perfect example of the human condition.

There are two issues at play here, one is that people miss a queue and assume the worst.

The other is that some out of “being anonymous” just show the worst side of themselves. This in turn begets more sarcasm, name calling and just downright ugliness.

Any post with a long thread; this type of thing will come up.

People either want to assume the worst or look for a reason to be pissed about something and then respond to it in like fashion. Political correctness is one such way that anyone can be offended at any time they want, then feel all righteous about it and rant.

I for one would like to see the anonymous post go away. I think you should have to let the world know who you are when you post so if you choose to be a jerk, at least the world knows that you have a proclivity towards such behavior and not put much weight on what you are saying or just not even read your post.

If you will notice that when you are waiting in line at a restaurant or ride at some amusement park or even the bank, most are polite and await there turn. They may even strike up a conversation with you about the weather or some such thing. I am one of those that will do that not only in line but on an elevator as well.

The interesting thing is that people hide behind their glasses; their blank stare and the very clothing that they wear; are much like some sort of shield against the world.

Online or in your car your shield expands and you can drive aggressively or rant your thoughts or opinion on a subject with little or no fore-thought. I see this all the time where people sound off on some subject with little or no facts, they just want to be heard! Some actually use words as a weapon to hurt people, just to do it.

You see it to when people cut you off on the freeway or other surface road just to get one car length ahead of you, maybe causing you to miss the light that they should have missed, but now you did.

When you talk on a social forum or blog or what have you, type as though you are having a conversation with the people in a room with you. When you expound upon your thoughts, do so in a manner that is respectful of all of those who might be reading it. Do not respond to idiots! If they choose to make an ass of themselves, ignore them. Ignored behavior goes away.

I would implore you to drive in a similar fashion. Any good manager knows to lead by example. Drive like you would like others to drive. If 90 seconds extra at a light is that big of a deal, leave the house 90 seconds earlier. Too many people cause accidents trying to beat a light, yellow means stop if you are not already in the intersection, and can stop without being in the middle of the intersection. (Always look in the rearview first however; as there are many that will run you over as red does not even mean stop to them.)

Emoticons are a great way to let the world key into your feelings on a subject. A smiley face will give the reader the idea that you are trying to be funny or what have you and it will elicit a different response from the reader that may have otherwise taken offence to your remark.

The emoticon replaces the one to one facial queues that one misses in face to face communication and it also replaces the laugh or humor in your voice.

Toxic people and boundaries.

Lastly, stop looking for a reason to be offended. Pollyanna had the correct idea. What you look for you will find. You will shorten your life and have a miserable life at that if you are constantly on the lookout for things to be pissed about. There are people out there that will piss you off simply for their own amusement. Don’t fall into that trap and avoid them.

I stay away from Toxic people and I don’t invest my time and energy on those that enjoy being a victim or offended or look for political incorrectness just so they can be offended.

They are only hurting themselves. If you climb onto their pity train then you too will become despondent over things that you really don’t have a dog in that fight.

There is this principle of boundaries. Where friends or associates are concerned we need to stay alert to the place that they are in and be prepared to push them away. You can pray for them, loan them a good self help book and even listen to them if you choose but, don’t own their shit. What they are going through is theirs! Councilors go through years of training to learn how not to own their clients shit! They themselves have to go through counseling to make sure that their head stays on straight. What are the odds that you can counsel people without the training and not start to own their shit!?

I liken boundaries to the orbits of the planets around the sun. For the sake of argument you are the sun. Mercury is you closest friend, Venus is next and then Earth, Mars you get the idea.

Mercury is your closest confidant which should be your spouse. Venus may be your longtime friend that you share things with.

Let’s say that Venus has something going on their life that affects you and they are unwilling to help themselves which in turn brings you down. Don’t push them out of the solar system but do push them out past Mars or even Jupiter for a while.

If you can help them without owning their shit than by all means help them, otherwise push them out until they get their act together. There is no shame in seeking counseling and in this complicated world we live in that might be a great profession to be in as this world is a messed up place.

I am not telling you to abandon your friend. I am telling you to advise them to get help and if they don’t or wont, than you need to keep them at a safe distance. No one is immune to this “shit owning” and there is no sense in making their issues yours.

Many people, who never look into the mirror, blame their lot on life on someone else or some circumstance. It is always easy to blame someone else. Next time you want to do that, go look into the mirror and blame that person. Odds are incredibly good that the person in the mirror is the one that did it. The person in the mirror needs to examine themselves and make some course correction as to not be the problem.

Use Emoticons
Don’t be part of the problem
Don’t look for things to be pissed off about
Text and drive (not at the same time) like the people around you are your neighbors
Look for the good in people and not the bad
Stay away from Toxic people
Look in the mirror and seek counseling for that person in the mirror if they need it.

Now go take on the day!

-Best to you and those that you care about!

TheTimeDok

#toxic #people

Communication 101, the Mirror and You